The big country and the umbrella salesman

'Indeed to goodness Iesu mawr!!!' - Now! - how about that then boys and girls? You may be thinking that that is an extravagant opening, a flamboyant gambit like that of the famous chess pirate Fischer, an also sprach zarathustra before the entrance of Elvis Preseli, or the mono-gonadal ranting of a stray Austrian lunatic even, but no! the story I am about to relay is worthy of my ejaculation. Just 8 weeks ago GMT, fate found myself in southern Californ-i-a at the intrastately famous Talbot school of Feelology, Biola University. Well boys bach, if it wasn't just a short drive from beautiful beaches, world-renowned entertainment venues and a wealth of diverse cultural opportunity, then I don't know what it was a short drive from. It matters not - for there it was, and there was I - at the same there - and there I met none other than the greatly self-esteemed research professor of feelology and umbrella salesman, Doctor doctor William Lane Craig:-

REJ:- Doctor doctor William Lane Craig!

WLC:- Richard Emmanuel Jones! An honour to meet me!

REJ:- Yes indeed I'm sure you said that. er....excuse me...

WLC:- I'm sorry what? -

REJ:- Just a bit more...a bit to the left...

WLC:- Is that alright? -

REJ:- Bit more..

WLC:- How about now?

REJ:- That's it! Diolch! Your teeth were scaring the fish that's all. I shouldn't bring my aquarium with me really -

WLC:- Well they do look kinda heavy Richard -

REJ:- Indeed they are! But I have broad shoal-ders!

WLC:- Aren't they a bit heavy Richard? You could put them down on the table there -

REJ:- Yes I could Doctor doctor and diolch to you indeed isn't it? but as I said, I have brrrroad shoal-ders!

WLC:- Well if you put them on the table -

REJ:- You're smiling, you got it didn't you? they said you were clever, a double doctor no less. So good they doctored him twice! Shoal-ders! It's just my little joke doctor doctor...

WLC:- Please, call me Billy -

REJ:- Just a minute then Doctor doctor Billy - *CLUNK!* - Ooopsadaisy! I'm afraid I sloshed a bit onto your monogrammatic bath/spa robe and bamboo blend towel -

WLC:- $21.98! -

REJ:- $21.98 yes. You've been had. They're epileptic you know, the fish. Fine underwater though - that's the funny thing.....anyway the towels are trying to tell us something aren't they? 'Reasonable Faith' is the legend they bear. Now can you tell me a bit about this 'Reasonable Faith' shop? You are the creator I believe?

WLC:- Well Richard, A simple statement of the argument might run:

1. Anything that exists has an explanation of its existence (either in the necessity of its own nature or in an external cause).

2. If the Reasonable Faith shop has an explanation of its existence, that explanation is William Lane Craig.

3. The Reasonable Faith shop exists.

4. Therefore the explanation of the existence of the Reasonable Faith shop is William Lane Craig.

REJ:- So it's your shop then is it? -

WLC:- Let me just read that back a moment......explanation......shop......er.....Lane Craig......yes I think so. How about this 'Port authority' 2-tone brushed twill baseball cap $4.98?

REJ:- But they're only 3 dollars in Walmart -

WLC:- Not really Richard! -

REJ:- Pardon you me?

WLC:- Not really. You are committing the naturalistic fallacy -

REJ:- Oooh really? I wasn't even trying! Wait until Sioned hears how clever I am - it must be you rubbing off on me....

WLC:- I'm afraid it's an error Richard. Are baseball caps $4.98 or $3.00? When we ask that question, we are posing in a provocative way the meta-ethical question of the objectivity of baseball cap values. Are they valid independently of our apprehension of them, and if so, what is their foundation? Moreover the objective worthlessness of baseball caps in a naturalistic world view is underscored by two implications of that world view:- materialism and determinism -

REJ:- I'll take two if you stop -

WLC:- 37659 of our customers who bought the 'Port authority' 2-tone brushed twill baseball cap $4.98 also purchased the 100% Pima cotton sport shirt at just $19.98...that's right! just $19.98....

REJ:- Does it come in red?

WLC:- It certainly does Richard! and if you buy three 100% Pima cotton sport shirts at just $19.98, we at Reasonable Faith will give you this Port & Company over-the-Shoulder Grocery Tote valued objectively at $5.58 for just $5.50! That's right Richard! just $5.50! - plus taxes.

REJ:- I'd be a fool to refuse!

WLC:- You certainly are!

REJ:- Now we seem to have got side-tracked, Doctor doctor Billy. Do you do sunglasses by the way? Only your teeth have melted this pair -

WLC:- Well Richard, the case for whether or not Reasonable Faith sunglasses exist is a cumulative one. The manifestation of the Reasonable Faith sunglasses and the empty warehouse are multiply and independently attested. The claim here is not the naive assertion that because these events are mentioned in more than one company document they thereby enjoy multiple independent attestation, rather as I stated in my recent debate with the IRS -

REJ:- Have you got any?

WLC:- $9.99. And Richard, how about a District Threads® - Ladies Tank with built-in-bra for your wife - just $11.00 yes! just $11.00! Take a look at this ladies wear catalogue...

REJ:- My goodness.....those are tight tops...and what a smashing pair of models. A bit different from Gwladys the bike - still it's all relative I suppose - one man's meat is another man's wife -

WLC:- It certainly isn't! You have committed the genetic fallacy -

REJ:- I just crossed my legs -

WLC:- No Richard! The genetic fallacy is committed whenever someone tries to invalidate a view by explaining how that view originated or came to be held. Your example of the aesthetic value beauty is a perfect illustration of my point. Suppose we agree for the sake of argument that evolution has programmed men to see young women as more beautiful than old Gwladys the bike because of the selective advantage to the species of mating with younger women. Does that do anything at all to show that younger women are not in fact generally more physically beautiful than old Gwladys, that there is no objective difference between beauty and ugliness? Obviously not! Objective aesthetic values can exist regardless of how we come to apprehend them.

REJ:- Well I'm afraid I don't speak American, but I'd certainly like to apprehend....I mean I'd like to ask....Oooh! I know this one! I'm begging the question! I've been caught doing that before....One night down the park after darts, Meinir Thomas....

WLC:-Your question evinces some misunderstanding. So before I address your question directly, let me clarify what I said. First, God’s existing necessarily is not related to His being all-powerful, all-knowing, and morally perfect, at least in any direct way. For God to be logically necessary He simply needs to exist in every logically possible world; indeed, to say that God is logically necessary just is to say that He exists in every possible world. Now, of course, since the attributes you mention are essential to God, it follows that He will -

REJ:- Ok Billy-boy. You just talk out your arse and sell shit don't you? If I buy 6 Signature® - Sueded Finish 1/4-Zip Sweatshirts -

WLC:- $27.98! -

REJ:- $27.98 - will you untie me? Only you've made the fish suicidal listening to your horseshit. Three have drowned themselves already...

Poem for the day

Well today's poem for the day I have no idea about other than it was sent in by young Rhys Jenkins of Cnwch-y-craig. There is in factuality a note attached - here - yes. Well that explains it. I'm not really very internetual and don't know a way of electrically enpublishing young Jenkins'(of GCSE physics grade 'B' fame) explanatory note, which is a shame because it's only two sentences. I'm afraid I'll have to just type the verse, which rhymes I'm glad to see, and leave it to yourselves to do the fathoming.

The reverend claimed the universe
For life could not be fitter
But somehow God has made it worse
Than an Einstein de-Sitter.

Croeso nol i fi

Good evening da to pawb! I have been away yes indeed, on a holiday tour of the United America of States no less. Sioned is a bit cross with me as I had said I was only popping out to Mair's for some milk - but Duw! it's a bigger country than I thought. The milk excuse worked tidylovely for the 1976 trip to Parc des princes - 19-13 the boys won the Grand Slam - and 7 days later my blodyn was very happy to see me back - though I hadn't brought the milk - Glyn the fags the radiographer had dropped that off you see, very kind although he spilt some on the sofa, and Sioned had got through the entire backlog of my underpant washing after only 5 days, and her nails were already regrowing. If Dai televison hadn't said about the match being in the Arms park I would still have both retinas attached. Two months though is 'pushing it' I am respectfully informed from the base of a sosban. Dim problem - I didn't get to my age without knowing a thing or two about the Venutian mind! A short excursion to Synod Inn and the all-night garage for some Terry's all gold and a handy windscreen ice-scraper, and good relations will be restored. But enough of romance! I have tales to tell and stories to recount and anecdotes to detain and infolight....to the electric type-poster!

A visit from the doctor - Dr. William Dembskijones.

Beneath the sheets of Cnwch-y-craig, above the mattress of Llangoedmawr, west of the stain of Bryn-y-mynach, the Discovering Institute lies continually, and therefrom today we reap a very special and important thinker-harvest - the pioneer scout ranger master debater of the local no-IDer movement, extinguished feelogian and mathemagician, Dr. William Dembskijones. Dr. William Dembskijones began life as a fully-formed adult. One thing he certainly did not do is grow gradually from less complex beginnings. He struggled for quite a while to get a job at our very own Glanwern college, being rejected at first, but in the end after years of trying, he finally failed. However, like a catbutnotliketoast he certainly somehow landed the right way up on his feet and smelling of rosehips and now drives a P reg Ford Escort Ghia Deluxe Sedan. Where did I go wrong?

Now today is even the more exciting for the introduction of our new interactive electric text phone live debate chat feature. Listeners and readers alike will be enabled to - if Sioned has it right - submit their own questions to Dr. Dembskijones from their MPpodplayers. This is a first for Llanfihangel-y-Creuddun, and almost certainly a last too as Glenys the baps says the text-mast makes her children eat cheese erratically, and she wields a certain influence over Councillor Phillips. What's that Sioned? Two influences? Beth? Never mind....

REJ:- Dr. Dembskijones! A very warm Llanfihangel-y-creuddun croeso to you indeed!

WD:- Thankyou very much.

REJ:- Now Dr. Dembskijones - before we go to the text lines - could you just quickly explain to us what exactly a mathemagician is?

WD:- Certainly Richard. A mathemagician is an expert in a very special variant of the discipline known as mathematics. I like to call what I do Mathemagics -

REJ:- Mathemagics?

WD:- Yes Mathemagics. Don't be embarassed - I often have to explain. Basically Mathemagics is mathematics that noone else can follow, that noone else can see -

REJ:- You mean like invisible?

WD:- Yes! That's it! Oh you're much quicker than that Shallit fool! Yes I'll give you an example:- What is 1 divided by 3?

REJ:- I'm afraid I don't have my difference engine in this room -

WD:- *whisper* say 'a third!' -

REJ:- *whisper* a third! -

WD:- Pardon?

REJ:- A third! Is it a third?

WD:- WRONG!!!

REJ:- But you said -

WD:- Wrong! one point to me! You gave the typical blinkered answer propagandised so successfully by the mathematics community. 1 divided by 3 is 1.

REJ:- I did?....it is?.....wha -

WD:- In Mathemagics 1 divided by 3 is 1 - You know - like three persons but one essence. Now in information theory, specified complexity -

REJ:- Yes. Indeed. No - what? er - I think we'd best be getting along to those text lines...SIONED! - IS IT WORKING?

Sioned:- YES! YOU'VE HAD THREE TEXTS ALREADY!

REJ:- Good God! PUT THE PHONE DOWN IF IT GETS TOO HEAVY LOVE!

Sioned:- WHAT?

REJ:- Hang on a minute....I know! TEXT THEM THROUGH TO MY PHONE!

WD:- Hum te hum....dum de dum....Jerry Coyne is Herman Munster...tee de hee...ho..de ho...

REJ:- That's it Willie! Singsong while we're waiting...I'll just stand on one leg by the window to get a signal......*Beep!* Oooh! got one! Ready?

WD:- Ready!

REJ:- William Dembskijones....Would you like a competitive cash loan? refused elsewhere? credit history no problem...Oh -

WD:- Well Richard, I've gotten used to this kind of vitriolic personal attack from the neo-Darwinist fascists, but the short answer is no, I don't think it's a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment to the U.S. constitution.

REJ:- Er - yes - let's have another one...Here's one from Sir Allan of W:- Dear William Dembskijones, in the Kitzmiller vs Dover area school trial, Judge John Jones - no relation! -

WD:- No species are related! -

REJ:- er...Judge John Jones wrote 139 pages saying you were wrong. What do you say to this?

WD:- Well Richard you may know I invented amongst other things, the law of conservation of information. This is an absolute, unbreakable law - and I should know because I'm the one that made it up. So basically, no! he didn't. There is no way that more than one page of information could have been written.

REJ:- Is that true?

WD:- I cannot lie.

REJ:- Well what did the Judge say when you told him that?

WD:- Unfortunately I could't be there to crush him with my superior intellect as a Darwinist saboteur had turned my satnav upside down, and the law of upsidedownsatnavs states quite clearly -

REJ:- Let's take another one! Oooh! One from Dr.Laurie Fraser of Buggermaroo university, luckyland. 'Dear William Dembskijones, How many Intelligent Design papers published for peer-review have there been to date? You lot are nothing but...- er yes that's the end of the question -

WD:- Well that's an easy one. The answer's zero!

REJ:- Zero? Hang on a minute...in mathemagics zero is really lots yes?

WD:- No. It's zero Richard - that's why it's called zero -

REJ:- But -

WD:- This is another common misconception, Richard - don't feel that you are alone! The law of conservationofpeerreview clearly states that without exception, if there is an exception, then that exception is excepted. Now as an - if I may be so modest - exceptional person of great and crucial insight, I am indeed peerless. And so peer review is impossible. Well I do have one peer actually - onethree peers...

REJ:- You mean God?!

WD:- Not necessarily God! I didn't say that! It could be aliens. But yes, God.

REJ:- Hmmmm. Well we've one more text - the interest has been underwhelming. It's from Polygenetomathic pyrobrum Dr. Steve 'the hat' Zara, and he's texted the rather cryptogrammic 'Ha ha ha! Bee Hee Hee! Irreducible Com-plex-it-y!' - does that mean anything to you?

WD:- Indeed it does. It means I am right. When opponents stoop to such childish mockery I think their argument is lost for all to see. He probably looks like Herman Munster. With a hat. I bet he's flatulent too like that 'Judge'. There's only one that can judge me, Richard. I think I'll do a cartoon for my blog. And troll some Darwinismist sites. And -

REJ:- Careful Dembskijones! Watch out for that wedge! Don't step -

WD:- Wha wha - What wedge? There's no wedge! What do you mean? -

REJ:- Oh that was little Ethan Emmanuel Jones! Quite the mischief maker! He took apart the mousetraps we set for a certain biscuit burglar - and do you know what? He's made 7 of incrementally increasing complexity - that's what he said - Look! that one's just the snappy bit -

WD:- Well, forgive me if I correct the little....person, but the law of unincrementallyincreasingcomplexitymousetraps clearly states - *SNAP!!!* JESUS H CHRIST!!! the little fucker! I'll have him!!! I made up a law! a fucking law! Not a guideline! My toes! my toes!...etc

Prayer for the day

Y Parch Hosanhir has asked my good self to enpublish an exhaustion list of prayery to uplift and ennoble the youngsters of the villages and to prevent blindness. But I think one should be enough for now. And here is that one for now, a bedtime prayer for boys:-

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Bless the bed that I lie on
And if I die before I wake
Please get my hand off my trouser-snake.

Words of wisdom Parch, words of wisdom. Yes.

A regrettable holiday to Dinbych-y-pysgod and back and the teletubbies.

Bore da pawb! I have regrettably been away on a little holiday to Dinbych-y-pysgod and back. Less on that later. Now many people haved lived and died in llanfihangel-y-Creuddun. In fact so far everyone's died - it's quite an unlucky town in that respect. Of the four thousand two hundred remaining residents, the vast majority are alive and ill but they do have one other thing in common. And that is that they are not farmers - unlike I seamlessly linkly say today's front-room guest Mistar Ifor ap Jones, Glanwern, who farms at Glanwern farm and is as we say in these parts, a farmer.

REJ:- Jones Glanwern!

IJG:- Richard Emmanuel Jones! Duw, we've got the same surname. I must buy a lottery ticket. I'll call you Richard -

REJ:- Please do -

IJG:- And I'll call me Jones Glanwern. You can too -

REJ:- Indeed. Good, that's settled then. Now Ifor, you are as we say in these parts are you not a farmer you are aren't you isn't it?

IJG:- Well almost right Richard, the actual word is custodianofthecountryside -

REJ:- Oooh that's quite an impressive word there Ifor -

IJG:- Diolch! but it's the NFU's word not mine, chwarae teg -

REJ:- Credit where credit's due fairplay chwarae teg -

IJG:- And can you tell me Ifor what exactly a custodianofthecountryside actually does?

REJ:- er - you're in my chair -

IJG:- Sorry -

REJ:- That's alright. And can you tell me Ifor what exactly a custodianofthecountryside actually does?

IJG:- Indeed I can.

REJ:- Well would you please?

IJG:- Well at the moment Richard, but not this exact moment - I'm mostly just talking now - I am planting hedges. Two rows of Radnorshire weave, one metre apart, two metres high, twelve hectares a -

REJ:- Planting hedges...

IJG:- Hedges, yes. You know what hedges are Richard don't you? The stitching in the patchwork, the -

REJ:- Why to good God are you planting hedges?

IJG:- Well fifty thousand reasons really! -

REJ:- But twenty years ago you ploughed up all your hedges. What was that in aid of?

IJG:- Well that was in aid of the two new RangeRovers - you see grants were different then -

REJ:- They were?

IJG:- Yes back then I got paid to plough the hedges up - look Richard - I know what you're thinking -

REJ:- You do?! Iesu Mawr! How do you know what I'm thinking? This is beyond! This is magic! What am I thinking now? Go on Ifor! What am I thinking? Are you one of those magic voodoo men like Derren Randi off the telly? What am I thinking now? I'll give you a clue - it goes woof! - no that's too easy, I'll think of something else - er - dammo! I can't get the blasted dog out of my head now - it was a dog you see -

IJG:- Really? I thought it was a horse -

REJ:- Oooh! close! Right number of legs....a tail....two eyes...a mout -

IJG:- Yes. One in the eye for Dr. Blackmore eh? Anyway we were talking about windfarms -

REJ:- Oooh! You mean talking in our minds don't you? mind-talking!......let me see.......windfarms......windfarms.....Sioned's pants......Glenys the baps.....windfarms?......ah!.....Glenys the baps.....Teletubbies! Yes! I was mind-thinking -

IJG:- And what a mind. Yes I get £1200 a year a prop and I've 200 so far. Do you know Richard, that's enough electricity to power 50,000 homes!

REJ:- Well we've only got 4000 -

IJG:- It's not about that Richard, it's more about making up the money I lost during footandmouth -

REJ:- How much did you lose?

IJG:- Minus a million, Richard, minus a million!

REJ:- Minus...

IJG:- Yes. Losing minus a million left me with a net +£million payout from the ministry. My whole herd was destroyed and I was forced to accept full market price -

REJ:- That must have been hard -

IJG:- Tears were rolling down my cheeks Richard, they still do whenever I think about it -

REJ:- You're shaking now -

IJG:- Well - I didn't get into farming to kill animals for money - it goes against every farmer's nature - excuse me a moment....

REJ:- Oh but you're sobbing! It sounds like you're sobbing! Poor Ifor bach! And such bad luck that your herd was the only one infected in 200 square miles! - those bubbly blisters on those poor creatures...ooooh they must have hurt!...reminded me of when little Ethan scalded his leg....when the kettle...

IJG:- Well thanks Richard, I think I should go now -

REJ:- And all the time you kept such an outwardly cheerful demeanor! Such a brave face you put on it all! -

IJG:- Well you have to try and keep the spirits up -

REJ:- And you kept singing! What was that song you kept singing? Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tan, Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr! -

IJG:- I really must go, Hwyl fawr Richard, ooops I've dropped some money -

REJ:- What did that song mean again? Sosban fawr yn berwi ar a llawr.....big sospan boiling on the floor...is that right? Sioned! SIONED! What does that sospan song mean again? -

Thought for the day

Well raise my rent! We have a new feature. Making this a triplicate, tripartite, trinitarian blogulition. I have always thought of plagiarism as the highest form of theft. And who bigger to theft from than the 'big G' Himself? Why the BBC of course! So here then starts the new enthefted feature complete with stolen title:- 'Thought for the day'. Today's thought is a prayer I think. See if you can recognise the 'influences'.



'Our absent, unnecessary, impotent, undetectable Father, who art ‘elsewhere’, creator of the damned planet, creator of the laws and constants of physics that assuredly guarantee the earth’s future destruction, the earth’s final solution, creator of the unspeakable cruelty of the natural world, creator of the sentient brains that must know the nightmare life-in-death from without by lacerating predators, from within by rasping parasites, Lord of boundless pain, misery, disease and death, your laughably flawed creations with the feeble minds you gave them in your image kill each other in interpretation of your ambiguous texts, your tinsel miracles, Lord, vomitous God, have mercy on yourself, forgive yourself, for we humanity never can, Amen'.