Flu Manchu:- 'Honourable daughter. How is my fiendish plan to conquer the world going?'
HD:- 'You mean the ten birds filled with snake bite that are going to kiss world leaders to death?'
Flu Manchu:- 'That is the plan of which I speak. It cannot fail. It is my destiny!'
HD:- 'er...perhaps the world shall hear from you again?...'
Flu Manchu:- 'Ok, how about the opium crystals turning water into ice? The oceans shall freeze, and the world shall fall at my mercy with this demonstration of my power. It is my destiny!'
HD:- Yes I think maybe lay off the opium crystals a bit...'
Flu Manchu:- 'Hmmm...Maybe Conan Doyle put more effort in. Hey guess who I am?:- Peter...do you know what sound a man makes when you stab him in the back?....because....I do!'
Peter Jackson:- 'Ok, Christopher, you can handle the jandal'
Gandalf:- 'Peter...do you know what sound a man makes when you stab him up the arse?...because...'
Peter Jackson:- 'Cut!'
Meanwhile, Scooby and the gang are vacationing improbably near the not-abandoned virus factory...
Fred:- 'Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma - you go that way, me and Daphne will go this way'
Shaggy:-'Say Scooby - how comes we always split up like this?!'
Scooby:-'Rrri Rrron't Rrro!'
Fred:- 'I'll tell you when you're older. Come on Daphne, to the bat cave! to er....investigate the bats!'
Later...at the not-abandoned virus factory...
Velma:- 'My glasses! my glasses! Jeepers! etc I think we've found our first clue:- an abandoned newspaper cutting. Or Google article to youngsters. Look at this - London, England. The short march through the institution. Flu Manchu visits Imperial College, london, england, 'the premier partner for collaborations with China'. Even Ponce Andrew is there. 'Seeing all my people here makes me very optimistic about the future. It is my destiny!' But what could it mean?!
Scooby:- 'Rrrri Rrrron't Rrrro! Heeehehehehehehehehehehheheee. Rrrroooby Dooooby Doooooo!!!'
Breaking OLDS:- Controversy surrounded the latest incarnation of Dr. WHO, as the first non-physician, and genocidal terrorist, test test test Tedros, bagged the role. But his chosen side-kick, Goodwill Mugabe, doesn't last - the world was not ready. 'Some day, such brazenly open prejudice against mass-murderers will be outlawed for the hate crime that it is' prophesied a spokesperson for Flu Manchu - the second largest funder of the WHO. And more recently, once again the first as well...
Back at Empirical Collage, Professor Fergiesperm is modelling his bank account, after the institution receives a generous donation from Billy the Kidder. Professor Fergiesperm is very much a numbers man - Will it be 50,000, or will it be 500,000? The answer is crucial to the course of action he will recommend. But sums can be very difficult, especially when you're making them up, and there's no time for peer review. Out by a factor of ten would be terribly costly.....but what if his model should fall into the hands of real scientists? maybe he could have gotten away with pointing out it 'doesn't work' when other people use it, like Swedes, and releasing a modified fraction on GitHub later, for the turnips. If it wasn't for those meddling kids...
Meanwhile again, at the not-abandoned virus factory, Velma has found another clue...
Velma:- 'Look I've found another clue! An abandoned Google article and begging letter from the Guardian. 'Dear reader, please send some money like Billy, The Guardian remains independent'.
Shaggy:- 'Zoicks. And it says FACT CHECK:- TRUE!, in capitals!'
Scooby:- 'Rrreah, Rrrrapitals! Heeheheeehhheehhehheeehhehhheeee! Rrrrooby Doooby Doooo!'
Velma:- 'It's an interview with famous German liar, and test manufacturer director, evil Dr. Osten!'
'....bla bla bla LGBTQ+climate statues matter cultural marxist drivel....bla bla bla Dr. Osten!
Karen wetpantsnotterf:- 'Evil Dr.Osten! You famously saved the world from twenty million deaths from sars, mers, mars, venus, birds, swines, horses, cats, and stick insects. How did you come up with bats?'
EDO:- 'It vas ver simple. Flu Manchu told me it was bats, and not the virus factory, and that it would be racist to think'
kwpnt:- 'To think what?'
EDO:-'To think something you're not told'
kwpnt:-'So what you're saying is, you tried to make a test, with no virus material available. That's what you say in your paper'
EDO:- 'Vell, zer was a bit of ein global shortage. Of ze pandemic virus. Ya. It vas ein bischen difficult to catch it. Permit me ein giggleschen....tee hee. Und zay say ve haben kein sense of humours...'
kwpnt:- 'Aber, I mean but, you can still make a kosher test from the genome sequence Flu Manchu sent you?'
EDO:-'Ya, but es ist zer boring. Undt ze editing boarder fuhrers of ze journal machen sprachen 'don't make it specific, the more falsies the better'
kwpnt:-'You, I mean they, sound very keen. 2019 average submission to publication time, eurosurveillance, 172 days. How quickly vas your paper published?'
EDO:- 'I, er...I mean ze editing boarder fuhrers managed it in 24hrs. Schnell! Schnell! Achtung! Dumnkopf! etc'
kwpnt:- 'Undt didst du declaren zein interests in ze testen machen sprachen?'
EDO:- 'Nein, Ich forgot, Aber es ist all in zer cormandrostenreview.com most censored link in ze velt. Do not read it. Vaccine papuren bitte! Schnell! Rrrrrrraus! Auslander rrrrrraus! etc'
Velma:- 'Jeepers Scooby! What do you think it all means?'
Scooby:- 'Rrrri rrron't rrro! Heeheheeeheheeehheehheehheehheee! Rrrrroooby Doooby Doo!!!'
Breaking OLDS:- 'The world shut down thanks to the pretended model and the test test test testing regime recommended by the genocidal terrorist and arch Flu Manchu fan, test test test Tedros Dr. WHO. But one country's economy grew...'
Flu Manchu:- 'Honourable daughter. How is my fiendish plan going?'
HD:- 'You mean the Mayan space spider alien cornflake venom in the - '
Flu Manchu:- 'Very funny. I will check myself. Excellent. The fools shall ruin their economies, while mine shall grow. I shall buy their debt, and thus their government. It is my destiny!'
HD:- 'Yes father. But why are they walking around in masks with holes 1000 x bigger than the virus?!'
Flu Manchu:- 'Fuck knows, honourable daughter. They are inscrutable. And all look the same. Now get the slaves to make them some cheap electronic 10G monitoring devices with Tik Tok distraction. The capitalists shall buy the rope we sell them with which to hang themselves. Er...did I get that right?'
Even meaner while, Fred and Daphne have finished 'investigating the bats' and have stumbled upon transnational genocidebyomission global monopolist criminal ant farm and vaccine salesman parasite philanthropist Billy the Kidder...and his charitable bird...
Billy The Kidder:- 'You say it!'
Charitable bird:- 'No you say it!'
BK:- 'You say it! It's your turn!'
CB:- 'But you're better at it - I can't keep a straight face'
BK:- 'How about we say it together?'
BK + CB:- 'Each Life has equal value!'
CB:- 'hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahaa! I've wet myself again!'
BK:- 'hahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahaha! Me too!'
Fred:- 'Hi Billy! Your investments are paying off again! You really are good at this charity stuff. But what are you really up to?'
BK:- 'Well Fred and Daphne, in order to unite the world under themselves, global visionaries like me have known since time immemorial, that all you need to do is manufacture a transnational external enemy against which the world can unite.'
Fred:- 'And that's what you are!'
BK:- 'No!, I didn't mean me! I mean whatever the latest doomsday cult is that will go over. The clever bit is getting the good people on board - if the world found out it's still mostly good people...
As the world became £4 trillion poorer, and the usual suspects became £4 trillion richer, but only Oxfam noticed, Scooby and the gang assembled for that final bit when they pull the masks off for the big reveal....
Shaggy, Fred, Daphne, Velma:- *Pull!* 'Zoicks!!!'
Scooby:- 'Yes you dull fuckers. They're not wearing any masks. They're all right in front of you on the tele screens. But you all are. The mask wearing monsters are you! Somnambulent Zucker Zombies paving the road to hell. Rrrrrooooby Dooooby Don't!'
Flu Manchu:- 'I shall now address the workers of the NHS. Angels of Mengele! This is Flu Manchu. You have done well. Record deaths at home, record low deaths in hospital. Record numbers denied medical treatment. Record hospitalised ten year old self-harmers. Record suicides. Record mental health catastrophe. Experimental vaccines on 6 year olds. Clearing the beds to infect old folks homes. Record cancer deaths in the pipeline. Unprecedented economic death to come, before we build back better in mine image. Together, the world shall kill more than the holocaust, while my methods are applauded. You are honoured to have been the instruments of my destiny!' etc