Wednesday, 17 February 2021

Flu Manchu, Dr. WHO, Fergie, Drosten, Billy too, Scooby Doo, Where are YOU?

Flu Manchu:- 'Honourable daughter. How is my fiendish plan to conquer the world going?'

HD:- 'You mean the ten birds filled with snake bite that are going to kiss world leaders to death?'

Flu Manchu:- 'That is the plan of which I speak. It cannot fail. It is my destiny!'

HD:- 'er...perhaps the world shall hear from you again?...'

Flu Manchu:- 'Ok, how about the opium crystals turning water into ice? The oceans shall freeze, and the world shall fall at my mercy with this demonstration of my power. It is my destiny!'

HD:- Yes I think maybe lay off the opium crystals a bit...'

Flu Manchu:- 'Hmmm...Maybe Conan Doyle put more effort in. Hey guess who I am?:- you know what sound a man makes when you stab him in the back?....because....I do!'

Peter Jackson:- 'Ok, Christopher, you can handle the jandal'

Gandalf:- ' you know what sound a man makes when you stab him up the arse?...because...'

Peter Jackson:- 'Cut!'


Meanwhile, Scooby and the gang are vacationing improbably near the not-abandoned virus factory...

Fred:- 'Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma - you go that way, me and Daphne will go this way'

Shaggy:-'Say Scooby - how comes we always split up like this?!'

Scooby:-'Rrri Rrron't Rrro!'

Fred:- 'I'll tell you when you're older. Come on Daphne, to the bat cave! to er....investigate the bats!' the not-abandoned virus factory...

Velma:- 'My glasses! my glasses! Jeepers! etc I think we've found our first clue:- an abandoned newspaper cutting. Or Google article to youngsters. Look at this - London, England. The short march through the institution. Flu Manchu visits Imperial College, london, england, 'the premier partner for collaborations with China'. Even Ponce Andrew is there. 'Seeing all my people here makes me very optimistic about the future. It is my destiny!' But what could it mean?!

Scooby:- 'Rrrri Rrrron't Rrrro! Heeehehehehehehehehehehheheee. Rrrroooby Dooooby Doooooo!!!'

Shaggy:- 'Zoicks!!!'


Breaking OLDS:- Controversy surrounded the latest incarnation of Dr. WHO, as the first non-physician, and genocidal terrorist, test test test Tedros, bagged the role. But his chosen side-kick, Goodwill Mugabe, doesn't last - the world was not ready. 'Some day, such brazenly open prejudice against mass-murderers will be outlawed for the hate crime that it is' prophesied a spokesperson for Flu Manchu - the second largest funder of the WHO. And more recently, once again the first as well...


Back at Empirical Collage, Professor Fergiesperm is modelling his bank account, after the institution receives a generous donation from Billy the Kidder. Professor Fergiesperm is very much a numbers man - Will it be 50,000, or will it be 500,000? The answer is crucial to the course of action he will recommend. But sums can be very difficult, especially when you're making them up, and there's no time for peer review. Out by a factor of ten would be terribly costly.....but what if his model should fall into the hands of real scientists? maybe he could have gotten away with pointing out it 'doesn't work' when other people use it, like Swedes, and releasing a modified fraction on GitHub later, for the turnips. If it wasn't for those meddling kids...


Meanwhile again, at the not-abandoned virus factory, Velma has found another clue...

Velma:- 'Look I've found another clue! An abandoned Google article and begging letter from the Guardian. 'Dear reader, please send some money like Billy, The Guardian remains independent'.

Shaggy:- 'Zoicks. And it says FACT CHECK:- TRUE!, in capitals!'

Scooby:- 'Rrreah, Rrrrapitals! Heeheheeehhheehhehheeehhehhheeee! Rrrrooby Doooby Doooo!'

Velma:- 'It's an interview with famous German liar, and test manufacturer director, evil Dr. Osten!'

'....bla bla bla LGBTQ+climate statues matter cultural marxist drivel....bla bla bla Dr. Osten! 

Karen wetpantsnotterf:- 'Evil Dr.Osten! You famously saved the world from twenty million deaths from sars, mers, mars, venus, birds, swines, horses, cats, and stick insects. How did you come up with bats?'

EDO:- 'It vas ver simple. Flu Manchu told me it was bats, and not the virus factory, and that it would be racist to think'

kwpnt:- 'To think what?'

EDO:-'To think something you're not told'

kwpnt:-'So what you're saying is, you tried to make a test, with no virus material available. That's what you say in your paper'

EDO:- 'Vell, zer was a bit of ein global shortage. Of ze pandemic virus. Ya. It vas ein bischen difficult to catch it. Permit me ein giggleschen....tee hee. Und zay say ve haben kein sense of humours...'

kwpnt:- 'Aber, I mean but, you can still make a kosher test from the genome sequence Flu Manchu sent you?'

EDO:-'Ya, but es ist zer boring. Undt ze editing boarder fuhrers of ze journal machen sprachen 'don't make it specific, the more falsies the better'

kwpnt:-'You, I mean they, sound very keen. 2019 average submission to publication time, eurosurveillance, 172 days. How quickly vas your paper published?'

EDO:- 'I, er...I mean ze editing boarder fuhrers managed it in 24hrs. Schnell! Schnell! Achtung! Dumnkopf! etc'

kwpnt:- 'Undt didst du declaren zein interests in ze testen machen sprachen?'

EDO:- 'Nein, Ich forgot, Aber es ist all in zer most censored link in ze velt. Do not read it. Vaccine papuren bitte! Schnell! Rrrrrrraus! Auslander rrrrrraus! etc'

Velma:- 'Jeepers Scooby! What do you think it all means?'

Scooby:- 'Rrrri rrron't rrro! Heeheheeeheheeehheehheehheehheee! Rrrrroooby Doooby Doo!!!'

Shaggy:- 'Zoicks!'


Breaking OLDS:- 'The world shut down thanks to the pretended model and the test test test testing regime recommended by the genocidal terrorist and arch Flu Manchu fan, test test test Tedros Dr. WHO. But one country's economy grew...'

Flu Manchu:- 'Honourable daughter. How is my fiendish plan going?'

HD:- 'You mean the Mayan space spider alien cornflake venom in the - '

Flu Manchu:- 'Very funny. I will check myself. Excellent. The fools shall ruin their economies, while mine shall grow. I shall buy their debt, and thus their government. It is my destiny!'

HD:- 'Yes father. But why are they walking around in masks with holes 1000 x bigger than the virus?!'

Flu Manchu:- 'Fuck knows, honourable daughter. They are inscrutable. And all look the same. Now get the slaves to make them some cheap electronic 10G monitoring devices with Tik Tok distraction. The capitalists shall buy the rope we sell them with which to hang themselves. Er...did I get that right?'


Even meaner while, Fred and Daphne have finished 'investigating the bats' and have stumbled upon transnational genocidebyomission global monopolist criminal ant farm and vaccine salesman parasite philanthropist Billy the Kidder...and his charitable bird...

Billy The Kidder:- 'You say it!'

Charitable bird:- 'No you say it!'

BK:- 'You say it! It's your turn!'

CB:- 'But you're better at it - I can't keep a straight face'

BK:- 'How about we say it together?'

CB:- 'Ok...1....2.....3...'

BK + CB:- 'Each Life has equal value!'

CB:- 'hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahaa! I've wet myself again!'

BK:- 'hahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahaha! Me too!'

Fred:- 'Hi Billy! Your investments are paying off again! You really are good at this charity stuff. But what are you really up to?'

BK:- 'Well Fred and Daphne, in order to unite the world under themselves, global visionaries like me have known since time immemorial, that all you need to do is manufacture a transnational external enemy against which the world can unite.'

Fred:- 'And that's what you are!'

BK:- 'No!, I didn't mean me! I mean whatever the latest doomsday cult is that will go over. The clever bit is getting the good people on board - if the world found out it's still mostly good people...


As the world became £4 trillion poorer, and the usual suspects became £4 trillion richer, but only Oxfam noticed, Scooby and the gang assembled for that final bit when they pull the masks off for the big reveal....

Shaggy, Fred, Daphne, Velma:- *Pull!* 'Zoicks!!!'

Scooby:- 'Yes you dull fuckers. They're not wearing any masks. They're all right in front of you on the tele screens. But you all are. The mask wearing monsters are you! Somnambulent Zucker Zombies paving the road to hell. Rrrrrooooby Dooooby Don't!'


Flu Manchu:- 'I shall now address the workers of the NHS. Angels of Mengele! This is Flu Manchu. You have done well. Record deaths at home, record low deaths in hospital. Record numbers denied medical treatment. Record hospitalised ten year old self-harmers. Record suicides. Record mental health catastrophe. Experimental vaccines on 6 year olds. Clearing the beds to infect old folks homes. Record cancer deaths in the pipeline. Unprecedented economic death to come, before we build back better in mine image. Together, the world shall kill more than the holocaust, while my methods are applauded. You are honoured to have been the instruments of my destiny!' etc

Wednesday, 10 February 2021

PCR Pandemic

What is the mortality rate of the pathogen? 100%, 50%, 0.2%?

This is not reality. This is PCR increasing testing.

To point out the CFR is not the IFR, is to point out the first graph is correct, apart from the two lines plotted on it. This confession does not accompany its daily presentation on the news.

Monday, 8 February 2021 poem for the day

Fergie made the model

Drosten made the test

Tedros made it global

The sheep did all the rest

Billy paid for Fergie

Drosten paid per test

And editing a journal

That says Drosten is the best

Tedros works for China

Mugabe as his guide

Behold the reign of terror

And the ghost of genocide

And all the little sheeple

Behaving oh so well

With lying good intention

Pave Satanic road to hell.

Tuesday, 19 January 2021

Vaccine most unsuitable for persons most at risk from virus, circular truism shock

As Imperial College hastily tweeted they'd never heard of Mr Ferguson, or his Swedish model, Norwegian blue boffins expressed surprised dismay that their most doddery ex-patients could not have coped better with 'cooking up a bit'. 

'May cook up a bit' was written in very small on the leaflet, not as small as absent, like 'may not prevent transmission', but still really very small indeed'. Said someone I've just made up. 'We're trying it on the younger immuno-fucked now, as we can't guess how it will go. How would you like to live in an iron-lung? I thought so', he parroted.

Anti-vax conclusions are writ large in every 19th century graveyard, but things have moved on, and with a more remarkable track record than Ben Johnson, Pfizer boss, Albert Moolah explained he was pleased to announce he had achieved 100% immunity. 

'I scheduled selling my shares at a most fortunate time. Sometimes I think I can see the future'.

Conspiracy factualists were left red-faced when intensive fainting nurse Tiffany made a rare live appearance shortly after her pre-existing condition was made up. But one man in particular was never going to be fooled by the tin-hatters, and that was Mr Dover.

'That's my wife, yes. The one with the bigger hooters'.

Saturday, 16 January 2021

2020 Vision:- Group Control

It proved a shocker for the Reaper in Swedeland 2019, with their lowest death rate in history. With thousands missing out on the traditions of the Season, the hopes of inheritors were put on hold for months as our maskless friend waited patiently with His scythe for all the doddery fuckers carried over, silently muttering 'Better late than ever'.

But with all these freebies, to end 2020 with a feebler performance than 2018, led to criticism from higher up. 'I reckon I could kill more people' said Mr Ferguson.

With hospital deaths way down, and stay at home safe deaths way up, the ONS agreed that on this occasion, Mr Ferguson was indeed 'mostly right'. 

'We always wondered what would happen if you stopped medicine, and now, thanks to Imperial College, at last we know'.

With half the beds, but somehow more people, NHS authorities wondered if it was a good time to have 40k staff off isolating. 'We could get them back with more accurate testing, but that would give away the fact of our reverse-homeopathy scheme. Perhaps it's better just to let them die, and hope noone can count'.

As mask fans pondered the difference between nano and micro, and fluid mechanics boffins wondered if a breeze could travel more than 2 metres, but not onto a swab, the behavioural experts in mediaeval superstition at SAGE eclipsed the Pharoahs in population management technique by zooming in on some lines they'd drawn up and down. 

'Noone will think of us and a shotgun in the same sentence. If it ain't hurting, it ain't working is not a view held professionally by anaesthetists, but as long as noone sees the graph you're about to do, the no correlation lockdown shotgun pattern should remain secret'.

The future being amongst the hardest of things to predict, we contacted Nostradamus via medium, to ask just how many millions we would kill for nothing before noticing. He gave a typically cryptic and ambiguous response, yet to be fully decoded:- 'Christ! you're still dull as fuck. I didn't see that coming'.

Wednesday, 2 December 2020

Yhtapoemoh poem for the day

Fans of reverse-homeopathy PCR Covid deaths were aghast to learn almost 3/4 of the Covid dead resurrected in July via the magic of the recently pretended 28 day rule. The previous method of pretending killed 2086 people. The new method of pretending, a disappointing 574. Of course the reality is even worse, and the true figure lower.

30,000 lockdown deaths at home, and not-counting, were of little consolation but will take off properly next year and may even hint at an answer to the eternal question - medical treatment - good or bad?

Persons playing pin the lockdown on the graph remembered no correlation is necessarily not causation and immediately voted to kill more people unnecessarily, some opting for the hallucinated non-causation of abstaining, as not-voting has never affected a vote, and washing one's hands remains as effective as ever.

As lockdown stringency around the world showed zero correlation with Covid outcome - in the largest sample experiment in history - not an opinion - it was wondered if prior population differences could be the elusive significant variable at work.

No Aztec was available for comment.

A little voice inside your head

Just said the words that I have said

And somehow I am inside you

Don't worry - I'm just passing through

A little peek around the back

The train of thought behind the track

Aha! the station stop relief

I'm not in here now your belief

I've made a little tweak or two

Of course not me, it's really you

Go back to sleep now, all is well

Then wake! go forth and cast my spell!

Sunday, 8 November 2020

An American Psychosis

Tears of joy flowed like a Guantanamo torturer's water in that brown person's plaza, as possibly not fake news heralded the installation of a demented racist right-wing nutjob in charge of the White House. 

Traditionally, the outgoing snuff-movie-reaction broadcasting sociopath, if classy, when time is running out, ups their foreign bombing to record levels as a sign of a graceful lack of petulance, ignoring the more trivial pursuits of golf and pornstars, and trying to claim more holes in one than Kim Jong-un and Epstein in the other.

As votes for erratic lunacy dwindled to an historic high of 70 million, if you just count half, the biglyest leader of a free world, Narendra Modi, marvelled at the magic abacus of the transatlantic Ant n Dec that delivered the results so efficiently. 'Maybe we should be looking at electoral reform' he said in fakier news.

In his autocue's first address, the former vice president of child-caging improvements vowed to unify California and Texas with plastic gun surgery on wednesdays and trans oil toilets on fridays, and promised to die as soon as he remembered what that was. 'The individual dies, the memeplex lives on' he was too stupid to say. The memeplex remains stable.