Tuesday 19 January 2021

Vaccine most unsuitable for persons most at risk from virus, circular truism shock

As Imperial College hastily tweeted they'd never heard of Mr Ferguson, or his Swedish model, Norwegian blue boffins expressed surprised dismay that their most doddery ex-patients could not have coped better with 'cooking up a bit'. 

'May cook up a bit' was written in very small on the leaflet, not as small as absent, like 'may not prevent transmission', but still really very small indeed'. Said someone I've just made up. 'We're trying it on the younger immuno-fucked now, as we can't guess how it will go. How would you like to live in an iron-lung? I thought so', he parroted.

Anti-vax conclusions are writ large in every 19th century graveyard, but things have moved on, and with a more remarkable track record than Ben Johnson, Pfizer boss, Albert Moolah explained he was pleased to announce he had achieved 100% immunity. 

'I scheduled selling my shares at a most fortunate time. Sometimes I think I can see the future'.

Conspiracy factualists were left red-faced when intensive fainting nurse Tiffany made a rare live appearance shortly after her pre-existing condition was made up. But one man in particular was never going to be fooled by the tin-hatters, and that was Mr Dover.

'That's my wife, yes. The one with the bigger hooters'.

Saturday 16 January 2021

2020 Vision:- Group Control



It proved a shocker for the Reaper in Swedeland 2019, with their lowest death rate in history. With thousands missing out on the traditions of the Season, the hopes of inheritors were put on hold for months as our maskless friend waited patiently with His scythe for all the doddery fuckers carried over, silently muttering 'Better late than ever'.

But with all these freebies, to end 2020 with a feebler performance than 2018, led to criticism from higher up. 'I reckon I could kill more people' said Mr Ferguson.

With hospital deaths way down, and stay at home safe deaths way up, the ONS agreed that on this occasion, Mr Ferguson was indeed 'mostly right'. 



'We always wondered what would happen if you stopped medicine, and now, thanks to Imperial College, at last we know'.

With half the beds, but somehow more people, NHS authorities wondered if it was a good time to have 40k staff off isolating. 'We could get them back with more accurate testing, but that would give away the fact of our reverse-homeopathy scheme. Perhaps it's better just to let them die, and hope noone can count'.

As mask fans pondered the difference between nano and micro, and fluid mechanics boffins wondered if a breeze could travel more than 2 metres, but not onto a swab, the behavioural experts in mediaeval superstition at SAGE eclipsed the Pharoahs in population management technique by zooming in on some lines they'd drawn up and down. 

'Noone will think of us and a shotgun in the same sentence. If it ain't hurting, it ain't working is not a view held professionally by anaesthetists, but as long as noone sees the graph you're about to do, the no correlation lockdown shotgun pattern should remain secret'.




The future being amongst the hardest of things to predict, we contacted Nostradamus via medium, to ask just how many millions we would kill for nothing before noticing. He gave a typically cryptic and ambiguous response, yet to be fully decoded:- 'Christ! you're still dull as fuck. I didn't see that coming'.