BBC Wogan in need 2010

Oooh! Pig-bristle paintbrushes! Yes. It's that time of year, again, that thanks to BB-ec 'Wogan mewn angen', our thoughts are forced once more to child welfare and the broken dreams of the little ones, the plant bach. And the big ones too - the Merthyr junkies in need of a new pool table to torch and balls to sock each other with. Pwy sy'n the daddy now?! But half the money is wasted on starving coons abroad. Here today we are blessed to receive His Smugliness Sir Paddy Wogan the Ist to explain why it is still necessary to sit in a bath of sponsored baked beans when our chocolate chums can't be bothered to get off their arses and look after themselves.

REJ:- Croeso, your smugliness! -

PW:- Top o' the mornin' to you, Richard. Lilt, lilt, wheeze -

REJ:- Take a pew, my fat, sweating friend! -

PW:- To be sure indeed I will to be sure lilt lilt wheeze, scripted anecdote. And could you pass me that fine string of sausages on this fine top o' the mornin' Janet and John? -

PW:- To be sure -

REJ:- Take them as a gift, from my heart to yours -

PW:- The ole' ticker thanks you -

REJ:- Perhaps a mug of lard to wash it down? -

PW:- Dearie diddly me, now you wouldn't be trying to finish me off would you? lilt lilt Mrs Wogan drivel -

REJ:- Have this chocolate gateaux chaser -

PW:- Just the one, Richard, and a diet coke -

REJ:- Your suit is so grateful. Nawrte. When you were caught out under the freedom of information act and it was revealed that you took thousands for your BB-ec Wogan mewn angen piss-dribbling wank shows, everytime for 25 years, whilst croc-a-crying into the camera how 5p could save a life, did you feel at all ashamed? -

PW:- Not at all, Richard, dearie dearie lilt top o' the rich list me. As I explained at the time, it was a non-commercial fee, and I would gladly have done it for nothing -

REJ:- You just did it for something instead. For a quarter of a century. Whilst snivelling into the camera and begging for a knighthood -

PW:- It was a non-commercial knighthood, Richard, and I would gladly have not cravenly accepted it -

REJ:- But your frantic grasping hands -

PW:- Ah!, the Eurovision song contest! Dearie diddly leprachauns me the poverty I have known! I'm wasting away here! Pass me that goose-fat mouthwash. Now when I was in Tipperary -

REJ:- Now every year, when you and fifty other multi-millionaires gather at the BB-ec -

PW:- Dear Auntie Beeb bless her! - the ole' beeb!, good ole' Auntie beeb -

REJ:- and stare gawping at the starving coons, it must occur to you -

PW:- Exactly. It's so heart-wrenching. It gets you everytime. Even after all these years. But what can we as mere humble multi-millionaires possibly do? -

REJ:- Well you could -

PW:- That's it! We could give of our time, give freely, for a small token non-commercial fee of a few thousand pounds - not much money at all these days - although the autocue says 5p could save a life - and beg cringingly into the camera for you, the good ole' British public to send us money. Lilt lilt tango dribble. -

REJ:- It is such a shame that the little ones go hungry -

PW:- It lilt diddly dulcet is. But wealth distribution is not the business of government. 'No fed nation with taxation!' -

REJ:- Indeed. Now when you bought half the forests of Scotland for tax evasion purposes -

PW:- Tax avoidance, Richard! Avoidance is not the same as evasion - only in a thesaurus! -

REJ:- Yes. When you bought the forests for tax evasion purposes, did you ever consider -

PW:- I remember when Ken Bruce went on the QE2 for charity, all expenses paid. It was every year. But my show's better -

REJ:- Yes you couldn't be replaced by a sack of shit with a silly face drawn on it -

PW:- Never diddly dulcet lilt o' the mornin' ever! -

REJ:- Now -

PW:- Would you pass me that turdurken on pig's head and body to be sure? There are people starving in Africa you know, it would be a shame to waste it -

*etc. Hard to type through the vomit.*