Mari Nicesmile-Warmhands, alternative therapist

Wel, I've only got un awr in the llyfrgell, and so there's no time for introductions. Where is that no-show wet-pants Rimmer? I may as well buy my own computer at this rate...

REJ:- Miss Warmhands! Croeso i Llanfihangel-y-creuddyn! That is what you may have heard said through your ears when you first moved here 5 years ago. But have this one on me incase the locals weren't welcoming back then - we used to be insular you know -

MNW:- Dye-oltch Richard! I said that right didn't I? Yes. Oh but you are so wrong! - already! - Everyone has been most welcoming. Except perhaps Dr. Thompson. And Mr Wellingtons the apothecary. But that's business isn't it? -

REJ:- I see you've been infused with the language of heaven! -

MNW:- You see with your ears, yes, Richard! -

REJ:- Alternative anatomy! Now Miss Nicesmile-Warmhands. When did you first realise that eating cheese backwards caused autism?

MNW:- I knew you'd bring that up! -

REJ:- Excuse me. I just coughed and a piece of -

MNW:- It was about ten years ago, Richard. I noticed that there was some autism going around. 'Dear me' I thought. Perhaps eating cheese backwards is causing this. I must find out at once - this could mean I am really important! At last! -

REJ:- Iesu Mawr! But how could you know for sure? -

MNW:- Through experiment, Richard. The collection of empirical evidence. Rigorous statistical analysis of data. That kind of thing. -

REJ:- Faberlous! That's the way to do it! -

MNW:- Nearly always, Richard. But the nature of the crisis, and the apathy of the medical profession, meant that the traditional restrictive and byzantine protocols would have to be disregarded -

REJ:- Oooh! -

MNW:- Yes, Richard. I am a maverick. My methods may be unconventional, but they get results. -

REJ:- Piss bollocks results Sioned would say! HAHAHA! -

MNW:- HAHAHA! -

REJ:- If she were still here! HAH - oh.

MNW:- Sioned is a shill for Big Dairy, Richard. She -

REJ:- Oh. You heard too. That bastard Glyn-the-milk -

MNW:- There was no time to recruit volunteers. No time at all. Just 24hrs a day. But something had to be done! -

REJ:- And what was that something? -

MNW:- Sometimes, Richard, when you know you are right, you just have to go with what you feel. And I felt the best course of action in the circumstances was to head straight for the Bronglais paediatric oncology ward and stick cheese up the little one's bottoms. -

REJ:- Unconventional indeed! -

MNW:- Unconventional yes, but I got results. -

REJ:- What results did you get? -

MNW:- I got struck off. But I didn't let that stop me. I knew Big Dairy was behind it, and that meant I was onto something. They were trying to shut me up. But I refused to shut up. I had to find another way to gain access to children's bottoms. -

REJ:- What a story! If the press got hold of this! - What did you do next? -

MNW:- Buoyed by my success - by being struck off - which meant I was right - I started going to children's parties -

REJ:- Inspired! -

MNW:- It was. I found that if I wore a labcoat, stethoscope, and that funny circle mirror thing on my head I'm not quite sure how it works, and told parents there was some autism going around, they would let me stick as much cheese up their children's bottoms as was necessary to my research - half a pound of camembert once! - usually just after 'pass-the-parcel', when they were distracted. -

REJ:- Again your concern for the little ones shines through! -

MNW:- Well spotted, Richard! Yes it's not all about me! -

REJ:- Or your bank account! -

MNW:- Certainly not! The results however were inconclusive. That is what an average scientist might say. But I didn't feel constrained by the narrow-minded conventions of average science. And I already had my conclusions. Sometimes, Richard, when you already know you are right -

REJ:- And you are a maverick! -

MNW:- A maverick genius, yes. And perhaps a bit more important than other people, and other people's rules, and when you're not a shill for Big Dairy, and -

REJ:- Yes! yes! What did you do? -

MNW:- I wrote a paper for the Lancet. Or Nature. I can't remember - you google it - I'm pretending to be that whatsisname incase you hadn't noticed -

REJ:- All over my head I'm afraid - but you made up the bit about the children's parties of course? -

MNW:- No Comment. Anyway, I went straight to the Daily Twat, who were intending to run a story on how coffee causes cancer, but cures syphilis when drunk on wednesdays, but when I showed them my stethoscope, and that funny circle mirror thing on my head - they all had a go! - it was very much 'hold the front page!'. And then let it go and print it with my story instead. -

REJ:- Goodness! -

MNW:- It gets goodnesser! The story went around the world, and parents everywhere rejected conventional medicine. For their children. Not so much for themselves. But older people are more set in their ways aren't they Richard? -

REJ:- Best to leave new things to be tested on the young I suppose! -

MNW:- Well that's just the world we live in, Richard. The dream of alternative aeroplanes just never took off -

REJ:- Or alternative heart-transplant surgeons! -

MNW:- Perhaps I was just ahead of my time. That happens with maverick geniuses who aren't shills to Big Dairy. Or round-earthers. -

REJ:- Well you did your best. And made lots of money. And were popular in America. -

MNW:- Indeed I was Richard, and still am. The right to be scientifically illiterate is in the constitution you know! -

REJ:- Duw, duw!, they know how to do things over the pond don't they yes indeed to goodness Iesu mawr isn't it don't you? -

MNW:- er...yes. Shall we end the story there Richard? I wanted to talk about homeopathy. I might be that lady doctor in knighton -

REJ:- The one who just had her prescribing rights suspended? -

MNW:- That's the one! I think we've done the autism thing to death. -

REJ:- Not quite to death yet have we?! Lets have the happy ending! -

MNW:- Life is not a fairy tale, Richard! Life is not Hollywood! There isn't always a happy ending, despite what my accountant may tell you. -

REJ:- Go on -

MNW:- People are very stupid, Richard, you know the type - the type that are very stupid. And they didn't follow everything I said. They rejected conventional medicine, yes, and thousands of children died of silly preventable things like mumps and measles. But all of this was unnecessary! All those deaths could have been avoided! -

REJ:- Gasp! No! How?! -

MNW:- If they had only put cheese up their bottoms! And maybe hopped 12 times on thursdays, as I later recommended. But by this time noone was listening. Big Dairy had got to the GMC and the papers, and I was finally silenced. The Daily Twat went back to running the how polishing commerorative Diana dolls the wrong way causes cancer instead. Although they did at least have the integrity not to apologise for printing my story. There is some honour in journalism still. -

REJ:- Wel, wel, boys bach. Yes. Turn into that lady doctor from knighton then -

MNW:- Glad to oblige, Richard! Let me just remove half of my brain....*squelch!....pop!* ah! -

REJ:- Ooopsy! that's a bit more than half! -

MNW:- Duw, duw, boys bach, so it was isn't it? -

REJ:- Careful! -

MNW:- Homeopathy. Yes. Now there is a lot of nonsense talked about homeopathy. Yet I have printed out lots of certificates off the internet, and put them on my wall. -

REJ:- Impressive! -

MNW:- Yes. Contrary to what average doctors may try to tell the uninformed, homeopathy is a respectable science, grounded in fact. And certificates off the internet. -

REJ:- They do look pretty! -

MNW:- They are very important. Even Mr.Wellingtons has tried to cut in on my action, although my service is better -

REJ:- How so? -

MNW:- The clue is in the name, Richard, - they don't call me Nicesmile-Warmhands for nothing! -

REJ:- I've got a bit of a groin strain at the moment -

MNW:- Twenty pounds for half an hour! -

REJ:- Done! It's getting more painful as I think about it! -

MNW:- I have a lot of healthy male customers. But that's Reiki. Lets get back to homeopathy. The fundamental principle of homeopathy is that illnesses can be cured by poison. -

REJ:- Well who would have thought it! -

MNW:- You'd be surprised -

REJ:- I am almost daily! -

MNW:- But you may be thinking, Richard, that ingesting poison is not a good idea -

REJ:- No, I stopped thinking half an hour ago. Carry on -

MNW:- That's perfectly fine, Richard. It works best if I do the thinking for you. Now, as I was saying, the best way to cure illnesses is by ingesting poison. But - and this bit is quite important - only if the poison has been diluted! -

REJ:- Let me write that bit down....

MNW:- Good idea -

REJ:- How much should the poison be diluted? -

MNW:- Until there is none of it left. That is the key. Then stop diluting. -

REJ:- It would be rather pointless to continue! HAHAHA! -

MNW:- HAHAHA! yes. -

REJ:- Yes indeed. Er...but then aren't you just giving them....er... nothing? -

MNW:- Nothing for money! If only business worked like that in the real world! I'd be rich! -

REJ:- You are! -

MNW:- So I am! But I'm afraid it doesn't work quite like that -

REJ:- What a shame! -

MNW:- You need to print the certificates as well, Richard. And that can take upwards of half an hour -

REJ:- And ink! And paper -

MNW:- And little bottles. And I'm on a water meter you know -

REJ:- I wasn't suggesting you didn't earn your money -

MNW:- Good. I'll cancel the voodoo gypsy vampire hex curse then. -

REJ:- Please, yes! Have you done it? -

MNW:- Yes. That's it cancelled. I just wiggled my nose like that tart in 'bewitched'. -

REJ:- I wouldn't mind waving my wand up -

MNW:- This is a serious blog, Richard, not just an outlet for puerile jokes -

REJ:- Sorry. Yes you're right. I deserve to be sosbanned. Only Sioned -

MNW:- Forget about Sioned, Richard. She's in the hands of Big Dairy now -

REJ:- No need to rub it in -

MNW:- I'm not doing the puerile either, Richard. You won't trick me with obvious feed-lines like that. Now. Back to homeopathy. You made the typical basic error of thinking I was just giving them water. For money. -

REJ:- I feel silly now -

MNW:- That's better. Remember who has the certificates on their wall. It's me. Not you. Now homeopathy works because water has memory. -

REJ:- Of course. -

MNW:- And it remembers the poison that was in it. The poison that cures the illnesses. By not being there. -

REJ:- Got it! -

MNW:- Well I would hope so, I really couldn't be simpler. -

REJ:- But if water has memory, what about all the other things that have been in it? I don't wish to be indelicate, and would never knowingly be crude for cheap effect, but what about all the faeces and urine and minge-blood and condoms? Does it not remember those as well? -

MNW:- Of course not, Richard! Really. You are testing my patience -

REJ:- But not your patients -

MNW:- No, don't do that please. We don't want to spoil things. -

REJ:- No. Although it's not about the money -

MNW:- Never. But we don't want to dilute my income! Money doesn't work like water you see. That would be absurd. Money doesn't have memory, water does. Please remember your Physics. Water has memory, just like lottery balls do -

REJ:- 'Ball number 7! - that's the fifth time this year for ball number 7!' -

MNW:- Exactly. And that affects future lottery draws. Because the balls can remember. They talk amongst themselves you know -

REJ:- I knew it! -

MNW:- Yes, lottery balls are the worst gossips!. Now water has memory. But it also has amnesia. And some things are best forgotten. Like faeces -

REJ:- Water has taste! -

MNW:- You are so clever. Yes water has taste. And remembers poison. But not poison. Er...other poison. That's how it works. -

REJ:- Well you've convinced me, and I didn't come down in the last shower! -

MNW:- You are such a customer. Shall we skip the people who have died of cancer by renouncing conventional medicine? -

REJ:- I think that's best. There are too many knockers in the world -

MNW:- Well said. And you can't take it with you - the money you know -

REJ:- Best spent while you're alive! On necrotic banshees like yourself! -

MNW:- Thankyou, Richard. I think you've seen how it works clearer than most. Now about the ancient wisdoms of people who used to eat each other. So much is lost by the tedious and methodical conventional science of today! -

REJ:- Like Chinese medicine! -

MNW:- Yes! And they have lived for thousands of years. Somehow longer than everybody else. Antiquity lends credence to horseshit, that can only be so. Thousands of years is a long time, Richard, and the few centuries of actually fucking checking things is very recent and thus irrelevant. -

REJ:- I see. All very well for aeroplanes and whatnot, but irrelevant when it comes to the Gullibo effect. -

MNW:- You are so right! The Gullibo effect is carelessly ignored by science! You would think they would have double-blind tests to ensure against it or something! -

REJ:- Too much to hope for. They just haven't though about it. -

MNW:- They are afraid of testing new ideas, Richard. That's why progress can never be made through science -

REJ:- Show me a close-minded dogmatist and I'll show you a scientist! -

MNW:- Forty pounds for a whole-body Chakra re-alignment! -

REJ:- The money's yours! And I was wondering if you could kill my children unwittingly. I hope you don't just fleece terminally ill geriatric cancer patients -

MNW:- Certainly not! All avoidable deaths effected and catered for. No fool too old or too young. Or too desperate. When you've got the gift -

REJ:- The gift? -

MNW:- Yes. I can talk to dead people too. Although they generally don't say anything interesting for some reason... -

REJ:- Could be Alzheimer's -

MNW:- Indeed. Now once I realised I had the gift, my accountant wondered if there could be other income streams. I mean gifts. Naturally my thoughts turned to cardboard. If water had memory, and amnesia, could cardboard tell the future? Nothing was less logical. Obviously not just cardboard, that would be silly. Cardboard with pictures on. -

REJ:- Tarot-tastic! And if you did 2 readings in a row, exactly the same cards would turn up! Because that is the future! Which the cardboards can tell! -

MNW:- Well no. It's not quite as simple as that. Different cards may turn up. Although I've never tried it as I don't think particularly well -

REJ:- You're more a doer than a thinker! -

MNW:- Yes. Although I've just made up an excuse. And that is that a different future is discerned because one has re-dealt and re-influenced the cardboards. By mechanisms I haven't thought of yet -

REJ:- Well that's fantastic! One could re-deal, and re-influence, until the future turns up just what we want it to be! And then it would happen! because of the cardboards! -

MNW:- the cardboards with pictures on -

REJ:- Yes. Lets not be silly. Because of the cardboards with pictures on. But do you have a particular way of working? -

MNW:- Well all therapies must be individually tailored, Richard. We all have such different lives. No two people are the same. In fact, the most one could say with any confidence is that 500 million people will have the same day. -

REJ:- 500 million! the numbers are astrological! -

MNW:- Yes, mind-boggling. -

REJ:- You do seem quite boggled. Now about Ouija boards. Could Ouija boards, ground up and diluted, and injected into crystals, and shoved up unicorns bottoms, on a tuesday, - could they make caterpillars lethargic? -

MNW:- Very possibly. Your line of reasoning seems solid, and we should not be afraid to ask the question. What reasonable person, scientists aside, would not want to know? Only someone scared, Richard, someone afraid of truth. But I do see one problem immediately. -

REJ:- What's that? -

MNW:- There's no money in it. Or dead children. So I'm afraid it's a no from me.


FIN.