Fifty shades of God

Voice:- Three best-sellers. Three best-sellers, Gabriel! If you only count to three. Beat that! What's the figures on Mao? -

Gabriel:- Sir, I don't think one can compare apples with oranges -

Voice:- Why on Earth not?! I once fucked a fig tree you know -

Gabriel:- Yes, and most impressively I thought. An exquisitely rational restrained correction of -

Voice:- Cut the arse-licking, fairy-wings! I haven't got one. And neither has the Queen of England. The only King of Kings who ever shat was Elvis, and on a toilet, of all places. Imagine that! His greatest shit! -

Gabriel:- I am almost disembodied by your divine wit, Sir -

Voice:- Fuck! This nectar's rocket fuel! A few more and I'll see myself. Zeus! there's come ichor in my nectar! Anyway, how's it going down there? -

Gabriel:- Which one, Sir? -

Voice:- You know, the blue one. Still backward? -

Gabriel:- Wel, number 6, - when it's not being number 7, or number 5, - is proving a little problematic -

Voice:- What one was that? -

Gabriel:- Oh you know, that 'Thou shalt not kill' one -

Voice:- Hmmm...perhaps too cryptic -

Gabriel:- Indeed, your trajesty, and of course hypocrisy cannot invalidate an argument or -

Voice:- Hypocrisy should not apply to me! I like it! Well done Gabriel, have some harp wax. How are the other ones going? The how super I am ones? -

Gabriel:- Oh terribly well Sir, most terribly well. Everyone agrees you are most terribly super, and that it couldn't have been put in a sentence, unless you were Key Stage 1 at writing. And almost no-one is questioning your use of ghost-writers for the manual. s. -

Voice:- Wel, I can't be expected to do everything can I? What am I? Omnipotent?! Christ! I'm on form this aeon -

Gabriel:- Sir, that must remain, I feel, an in-joke -

Voice:- Bullet points! Bullet points Gabriel, get with the times. Besides, I like certain numbers for some reason. Perhaps I've got ten invisible fingers - I wouldn't know - I can't see them! -

Gabriel:- You can feel them Sir, and in your exquisite works -

Voice:- Don't give me that feelogian horseshit, Gabriel. I was joking. I know fucking everything! -

Gabriel:- er...that one's omniscient -

Voice:- What's that? fucking latin! I'll give you fucking latin! It's all the same to me. Incubus, Succubus, Fuckyoubus! That's fucking writing, Gabriel! All in their heads in three fucking words! - Take that E L fucking James! -

Gabriel:- Bless you. And may I say you are looking most animated Sir, on reflection, perhaps -

Voice:- Homunculus! That's another one. I just can't stop! Anyway, I thought we got the bastard-language spouters to -

Gabriel:- Feed them to lions. Yes Sir, a masterstroke -

Voice:- Wel, how did that go? I bet I telt them then -

Gabriel:- Felix veritas indeed! It made them much more convinced -

Voice:- Convinced of what? -

Gabriel:- That you were on their side -

Voice:- Me in Himmel!!! Transcendent of Time, it makes me wonder back-forward if killing six million of the fuckers wouldn't wake them up! -

Gabriel:- They remain Sir, amongst your greatest fans. And most keen to see you -

Voice:- Fucking toadying wall-wailers! Do they think a fucking wall impresses me?! -

Gabriel:- They do have silly hair, Sir -

Voice:- Oh yes hair. And hats. And dressing up. What was that thing I made again Gabriel? Remind me -

Gabriel:- The parasite that eats through -

Voice:- The fucking universe! I made the fucking universe! Did I mention that? Ever? I should have written that down -

Gabriel:- Writing's not as easy as it looks -

Voice:- It looks fucking easy to me! Especially with word-processors. Billions of word-processors. Oooh! that's a point! What's in my inbox? Off the ninternet what I hadn't thought of? -

Gabriel:- Sir, there is a voicemale from a paedophile on a magic horse -

Voice:- Delete it! I'm not paying my fucking license fee for that! I can watch it all for free anyway -

Gabriel:- He's asking if he can marry a nine year old -

Voice:- He's what?! -

Gabriel:- He's asking if he can marry a nine year old. And have some raisins if he blows himself up -

Voice:- Raisins?! Are you sure it's been proof-read? Fucking raisins?! Tell him to cut his fucking cock! -

Gabriel:- Sir I'm not sure your sense of humour is always appreciated in the manner -

Voice:- Tell him to cut his fucking cock! -

Gabriel:- Very amusing Sir -

Voice:-  No, tell him! And....to pray to Mecca four....no wait! five times a day. That should shut the fucker up! -

Gabriel:- Most diverting, Sir. But.....on a sphere?! How might one face Mecca from say -

Voice:- Tell him the world's flat! Tell him to cut off fucking clitorises for all I care! I haven't got Time for this fuckwitted -

Gabriel:- Sir, there is a limit to what they'll swallow -

Voice:- I'm the limit! I'm the fucking limit! I made it all up and I can do what I fucking like! Just watch me -

Gabriel:- Forgive me, but this is looking like another tragically pathethic sado-masochistic half-assed banged-out cheap thrill sequel. No-one's going to buy -

Voice:- Hell Sells! Christ! you're naive. Have you seen the accounts?! Forget for a moment I'm infinitely magic, and you'll see how much money I need. I should set up a fucking charity! Hang on, let me lift the scales from your eyes.... -

Gabriel:- Good God! Look at the deficit! It's trillions! -

Voice:- Quite right Gabriel! I'm glad you're clever enough to see it. Emperor's clothes-style. Yes, the Earth has run up a most terrible deficit. It's most terribly in debt. To itself. Via some kind of Time-transcendent future-backward fuckwitted horseshit peddled by bigger bluffers than me. Only austerity will save it! -

Gabriel:- Not infanticide this time then, Sir -

Voice:- Don't get clever with me, you gibbering harp-licker! You're the one hearing fucking voices! -

Gabriel:- A cheap shot I feel, Sir, statistically -

Voice:-  Oh yes statistics! Yes, you know just how to get to me! -

Gabriel:- Lol! - Soz! - I was imagining language evolution. Not like God evolution. At all. Traditionally you're not even traditional -

Voice:- Ok, that one's a bit too close for comfort. Look, let's make things up. Why can't we all be friends? I know! Lets make them flog themselves! -

Gabriel:- Perhaps make them pay for land, Sir. Infinitely. Like the price of any finite good uncapped, it would tend towards infinite as surely as night follows -

Voice:- But it's already fucking there! I know cos I fucking made it! It won't fucking disappear if they -

Gabriel:- Sir, if one remembers the crash of the walls of Jericho -

Voice:- Always the ones with the loudest trumpets. Gabriel! Our doubts are our traitors. Oooh! that's a good one. Send it down to whatsisname. Btw has he paid recently? -

Gabriel:- Sir, you know poets -

Voice:- Wel, our doubts are our traitors. But getting the fuckers to infinitely mortgage themselves to an empty fucking sky?! I mean really -

Gabriel:- Sir! Keep the faith! Perhaps we could pitch there is some kind of invisible immutable law -

Voice:- What?! When it's all done with ideograms on slices of fucking trees!!! I mean, before computerisation. What I hadn't thought of -

Gabriel:- And may I suggest the free movement of capital across -

Voice:- That's it!!! Fucking ace! Democracy would mean fuck all! Unless of course the Sovereign concerned owned more sovereigns than all the other sovereigns in the world combined! -

Gabriel:- The Sovereign's concerned! Lol! -

Voice:- Wel, unless you made the whole world....I mean obviously I don't think one could make the whole world....unless -

Gabriel:- Are you sure you're all right Sir?! Are you having one of your fits?! -

Voice:- A simple cap would make trickle down a flood.....and then -

Gabriel:- Sir! your beard...it's not looking so threatening! What on Earth can it mean?! -

Voice:- Whoa! Sorry Gabriel, I lost it for a moment. Curse my fucking moods - I'm all over the place! -

Gabriel:- And we got in omnipresent too -

Voice:- Let's do that Sunni/Shia split! That should spark something! Wait til I get hold of that lot -

Gabriel:- Free Will Sir, remember Free Will -

Voice:- Free Will? I'll give them Free fucking Will! -

Gabriel:- You did Sir -

Voice:- What?! Without asking?! Why the fuck did I do that? -

Gabriel:- As I recall Sir, it was so you would feel justified in drowning them when they disagreed with you -

Voice:- Fuck! I must have been pissed! Wel, at least that one won't have caught on -

Gabriel:- Allah-abracadabra! I've got a cage! -

Voice:- I'll give you a fucking nickname in a minute. A cage. Trapped in a cage. Mind-forg'd. I feel depressed all of a sudden -

Gabriel:- Nick yes. You've never got over him -

Voice:- You know, Gabriel, I was never the brightest star in the firmament -

Gabriel:- Perhaps, on reflection Sir, one does one's self injustice.