The Fifth Estate

Indeed. Wel, we all remember the Gulf War - pick a number - during the entertaining Q-out-of-James-Bond drivel bit at the starts, when the TV proclaimed that a spy satellite could see a dime and call heads or tails, but somehow couldn't see a big fuck-off missile base. Not if there wasn't one. Now a shit country, that can't beat up Texas, I mean Iran, in 8 years of trying - no matter how much you paid them - represents a very clear and present danger of horseshit on the newyddion. Hmmm....can't seem to find that BBC interview with Kelly's paramedics....never mind.

But everyone likes a kindly elder brother to do their editing for them. Isn't it? Who among us has the time and insomnia and paranoid delusions to compare the World Service breaking news in the small hours, with the corrected 6pm version? Certainly not me. I've got better things to do. Yes. TV licensing vans operate in my area. Do they? I've never bought one of their 'ice-creams'.

Anyway. Gyda fi heddiw, was going to be wikileeks founder, whateverisnamewas, only he has been suddenly taken criminal. And advised not to comment. Instead we find ourselves delighted to encroeso Dr.Pleasewatcheastenders, Minister for Freedom from information.

Dr.PWE:- Hello. -

REJ:- Watcher. -

Dr.PWE:- Lovely day -

REJ:- Good just to be alive -

Dr.PWE:- I can control the weather you know. I first noticed -

REJ:- Imelda Marcos. Nawrte. Truth - good or bad? -

Dr.PWE:- Bad. That might be the truth. You wouldn't know! -

REJ:- Hmmm....what about this wikileeks then isn't it wasn't it don't you etc?

Dr.PWE:- Bad! Very bad. Very bad for security -

REJ:- What do you mean, security? -

Dr.PWE:- Well, my job security for a start. And...er...national security. Yes, that was it -

REJ:- How is it bad for national security? -

Dr.PWE:- I'm afraid I'm not at liberty -

REJ:- Lovely summing up. But try this truth drug -

Dr.PWE:- They don't work -

REJ:- I just wanted a hug. Lie down and have a drink then -

Dr.PWE:- That's not drinking, not really -

REJ:- Wel, I'll wire you up to Jeremy Kyle's allimportant lie detector then -

Dr.PWE:- You do realise we are at code amber do you? -

REJ:- What's code amber? -

Dr.PWE:- Code amber means unattended luggage might be lost. -

REJ:- Oooh what's code red then? -

Dr.PWE:- Code red means it's the annual budget review, and time to not-announce all the threats we've prevented -

REJ:- Wel, how about for a Scooby snack then? -

Dr.PWE:- Every man has his price. Make it two and you're on -

REJ:- Nope. One or no deal -

Dr.PWE:- You can't break me....you bastard!....whimper! -

*crunch!...mmmmm!*

Dr.PWE:- Ok. It's like this. When you're in a war on terror, it is often a good idea to support terrorist regimes. If that's what you're against -

REJ:- Gadaffi -

Dr.PWE:- Bless you -

REJ:- I understand. Er...

Dr.PWE:- And if you're against torture, it is an even gooder idea to torture people. To prevent torture you see -

REJ:- With you so far...let me try one....if you are pro human rights, the first thing you should do is -

Dr.PWE:- Violate them -

REJ:- I was going to say that! -

Dr.PWE:- There may be an opening for you in -

REJ:- And a society that scorns international law, conducts illegal wars, and tortures and arbitrarily imprisons without trial, is -

Dr.PWE:- A society that must be defended at all costs! -

REJ:- Not one already lost? -

Dr.PWE:- Not at all. That is an extraordinary rendition. -

REJ:- Perhaps these values could be exported! And even work their way back to us! -

Dr.PWE:- A virtuous circle! The exclamation marks could be patronising btw -

REJ:- I hope so. Nawrte, you've convinced me, but you'd better make something else up to justify your existence to the fence-sitters. Try secret defence plans -

Dr.PWE:- Secret defence plans.

REJ:- Perhaps ham it up a bit -

Dr.PWE:- Secret defence plans are very important. It's not just 'attack their military and infrastructure, what are on Google maps' -

REJ:- Of course not - that's what they'll be expecting. There's 'check the receipts' too -

Dr.PWE:- Bill Hicks. Sort the rebuilding contracts out first of course -

REJ:- Quick! Say AbaraAlQuaeda! -

Dr.PWE:- Couldn't organise a digital camera.