Thursday, 1 December 2011

TB:- Mass Killer

Third-class minah lawyer, Rictus GrinBlair, has too much to shoulder to shoulder. But after scouring the Earth for years in vain, he has at last found a friend, in the realm of his imagination. Croeso i llanfihangel-y-Creuddun, Rictus GrinBlair! -

RGB:- Call me Tony -

REJ:- Don't smile then -

RGB:- Look, are you just going to like, look, like, are you going to like just make things up, or use direct quotes? -

REJ:- Whatever makes you look best -

RGB:- Listen. I read the Bible everyday, I read the Koran everyday. But should an investment banker make more in a week than a nurse does in 5 years? You can debate that, but I don't know the answer.

REJ:- I know the answer -

RGB:- Btw, did you make that one up?

REJ:- I'm not that good.

RGB:- Don't mention the war -

REJ:- Blessed are the peacemakers. Now when Martin McGuinness was made minister for education, a lot of people felt Caligula's horse mistreated by history. But can you think of a sillier appointment? -

RGB:- Saddam Hussein was a very bad man -

REJ:- I trust and fear your intelligence. But how, alone in the world, did you come to notice? And what makes a very bad man? Or invisible man? -

RGB:- That's a very difficult question. But, look, I'm not going to text Mandy. A morality shared is amorality squared. Lets get this sorted. Look, I'll throw my script away, we won't be needing this - *fling!...rehearsed ad-lib* etc Do you like my sweat? -

REJ:- Keep going -

RGB:- Look, war is a very difficult subject. But basically, lets be honest, if a genocidal german wears a symmetrical cross, and no hat, he is a bad man. But if a genocidal german wears an asymmetrical-about-horizontal cross, and a big hat, he is a good man, and should be worshipped. Invisible genocide's the best of all. -

REJ:- Wel, say what you like about Him, He did make the universes run on time. So Saddam was german? -

RGB:- No big hat, Richard!, no big hat! -

REJ:- What about the cross? -

RGB:- He did symmetrical crosswords. It says so in this dossier. -

REJ:- Shame about Cook and Kelly -

RGB:- Ah, those troublesome priests. Yes, that was terribly bad luck. Fancy them both -

REJ:- Rather than Cherie, yes -

RGB:- It was starving the children I enjoyed the most -

REJ:- er...

RGB:- *Beep!....o..f...f...m...e..s...s..a..g..e....* -

REJ:- Tell me about Ratzi again. Only there was something about your eyes -

RGB:- Oh, he's lovely. Said it was all alright - no one was really dead, I should go easy on myself, forgive it all away, - that sort of thing. I felt much better trusting my instincts that I had trusted before but which were wrong because I had trusted them too much and hadn't had my new correct instincts to trust correctly but instead had trusted the wrong kind of Jesus, like a fool.

REJ:- Ah that was it! Must milk the goat.


  1. 'Ah, those troublesome priests' ... He can make me laugh out loud then react to the harrowing reality he is satirising. Superb play on words.

  2. Alistair Campbellsoup12 December 2011 at 13:30

    The only good Bush is a burning Bush. All good things come to those with after-dinner speaking appointments. A rich man cannot pass through the eye of a needle. There's no fool like an old fuckt [cont. p94]

  3. Or, there's no fool like TB...