Tuesday, 19 June 2012

The not remotely ridiculous amusingly self-destructing church of englande

Helo. I'm standing on the border of the Wales and Englande on the Offa. Get offa dyke. My left leg is in Wales, and my right leg is in the Englande. My left leg is in the church of wales, and my right leg is in of the church of englande. My cock is in both, and twice blessed.

But it wouldn't be so blessed if I put it in a bottom. Or would it? Hang on let's ask this passer-by.....- *Ooof!* - wel, so much for free speech. Hmmm...I know what, let's ask the God instead...- *............* -. Wel, unfortunately God is not available for direct comment, but He did send a representative. In fact He sent two, both saying opposite things. He's such a prankster! Let's not talk to the poofy one, and instead we'll say 'Croeso i outandabout gyda REJ, Reverend Wangrin!' -

RWG:- Would you like to see my cathedral? -

REJ:- Can I put my cock in your bottom? -

RWG:- I beg your pardon? -

REJ:- Can I put my cock in your bottom? -

RWG:- I suppose it depends on the diameter of the -

REJ:- No! I meant may I? I mean, in God's opinion? -

RWG:- Oh Him! yes. Of Course. Sorry. I forgot I was wearing the uniform. In kit as it were. Yes, now it makes sense. Wel, this is a very deep and complex question -

REJ:- No it isn't -

RWG:- No, I suppose you're right. I slip into the role too easily -

REJ:- Wel look, what I meant was, can I put my cock in your bottom - wel, not yours particularly - I mean -

RWG:- What's wrong with my bottom? -

REJ:- Nothing! I didn't mean -

RWG:- Mine is a very reverend bottom. Most reverend in fact - look it says so here on this plaque -

REJ:- Look stop talking about your bottom. What I meant was, can I put my cock in someone's bottom, a man's I think, and get some kind of clap from God? I mean, if I promise to only do the one bottom - something like that -

RWG:- That sounds boring -

REJ:- It doesn't matter if it's boring! I want to know what God's opinion is! -

RWG:- Wel I'm not sure He gives a fuck to be honest. He may have better things to do -

REJ:- It doesn't appear so -

RWG:- Wel that's a mystery isn't it. How much am I paid? For the clap thing? -

REJ:- Let's see....how about a century? -

RWG:- I dunno....I am very busy.....candles to light and whatnot....

REJ:- Look, here's the gig. I find someone whose bottom I like, I get all my friends and family round -

RWG:- It's sounding a bit dodgy -

REJ:- No it isn't! I get all my friends and family round, and tell them all I'm going to pork this particular bottom. You say some mumbo jumbo, everyone claps, and then we all get pissed -

RWG:- er....can't you just pork it? What's all the fuss for? -

REJ:- Wel it's to make it serious. The bum-hole porking -

RWG:- I see. Wel, let me just consult the manual. There are rules for this sort of thing you know, otherwise you wouldn't know what to do -

REJ:- I just want to make sure God approves. When I'm porking the bum-hole. You know - when He's watching -

RWG:- Look, I know He's ineffable and all that, but I really don't think He spends eternity watching cocks going into bum-holes on some kind of infinite ethereal youporn wankfest kick. I think He does earthquakes, things like that -

REJ:- Wel, I suppose you'd know. You have dressed up as an imbecile after all -

RWG:- I do know some good songs -

REJ:- Look it works for minges. You bring your minge into God's house -

RWG:- God's everywhere you pillock! The house is just to keep the rain off my calligraphy. Look at this big 'A' I've drawn -

REJ:- Oooh! very nice -

RWG:- Look, sit down and have some mead old bean, you seem troubled. This beats working for tescos! -

REJ:- Diolch! Bottoms up! -

RWG:- That's better. Now lets start again. From the top -

REJ:- Not the bottom! -

RWG:- Very good. So let's see. You've got some genitals, and you want to put them where again? -

REJ:- Up bottoms! I mean up one bottom -

RWG:- Yes that sounds important -

REJ:- And I want to come here, bring all my friends and family, tell them what I'm going to do, then I want them all to clap how clever I've been, and then I want you to tell me God likes watching. My cock. Going into a bum-hole. Spurting -

RWG:- And I get money do I? Because it does sound a bit pointless -

REJ:-Yes yes! Money -

RWG:- Wel I suppose I could do with some more parchment -

REJ:- And nibs! -

RWG:- Yes yes, and nibs. I once broke my end on a particularly elaborate 'body of Christ' -

REJ:- So it's a deal then?! I can't wait to push some poo with the king of kings and my family and friends applauding! -

RWG:- I see. Yes. Of course. Wel, we'd better check the law then. Let's have a look at the old book -

REJ:- Wel?! Wel?!! -

RWG:- Fuck this is boring....are you sure you want to go through with this? Wouldn't you rather ring my bell? Lovely great big clapper - everyone will be asleep!!! It's the most enormous larks waking the fuckers up with my great big dong in the morning! -

REJ:- Get on with it! Marriage! Be under 'm' -

RWG:- bla bla....black cat.....bla bla.....leper cure.....bla bla witch destroying GMcrops....bla bla.....ah! Yes here it is. Marriage! -

REJ:- Yes! yes! -

RWG:- Marriage.....is the union between.......Oh dear. Bit of a problem old bean -

REJ:- What is it? -

RWG:- Wel, it says here, that this fella you want to pork before God - for some reason - wel, er, he has to be a woman. Sort of thing -

REJ:- But that's unfair! -

RWG:- Life isn't fair, Richard bach - bit of Welsh there - If God had intended life to be fair He would have - Ooops! - forget I said that! I'd hate to have to get a real job -

REJ:- Wel, who wrote that silly law? -

RWG:- I dunno. Technically God did. But it's shit writing. I could do a better script -

REJ:- Perhaps it's harder when you're invisible. When you can't see your fingers -

RWG:- Good save! I'm looking for a new deacon as it happens, the last one split on me all of a sudden -

REJ:- Give me a look at that book. It can't be right. Let's see....when was this bit made up....

RWG:- Tradition Richard! It's all about tradition. Tradition that musn't be diluted. The sanctity of marriage! The -

REJ:- Oooh it says here if I go for the female option, I can beat her with a stick! -

RWG:- Wel, obviously some bits can be diluted -

REJ:- Oooh! And if she's not up for it - washing up or something - it says here I can rape her! Perhaps there is something in this tradition thing after all -

RWG:- Wel, technically it wouldn't be rape. Anyway - you've got the stick -

REJ:- The stick, yes -

RWG:- I think some parts of that book are out of date as it were -

REJ:- But you said it couldn't be altered! -

RWG:- Yes wel lying sort of goes with the job. In fact we meet up every year at the synod to make up new immutable laws - helluva piss up! - the Bishop of -

REJ:- Who the fucks going to fall for that? -

RWG:- Only very clever people -

REJ:- Wel look, let's just pencil in....or a man and a man....and...or a woman and a woman. Then I can be a princess! Like on Disney! -

RWG:- I'm afraid it's not as simple as that -

REJ:- Why ever not? -

RWG:- Wel, because when we meet up to make up the new things God hasn't said, people disagree. You know the sort - awkward fuckers, people like that. You see it's not always clear, what is literal, and what is metaphorical -

REJ:- Because God's a shit writer? -

RWG:- er...

REJ:- Because He couldn't make Himself clear? -

RWG:- er...

REJ:- Because He's special needs God? -

RWG:- sh! -

REJ:- Because He's inarticulate? -

RWG:- Pipe down now -

REJ:- Because He's not really an omnipotent telepath? -

RWG:- Richard....would you come outside for a second....

REJ:- Because He's not very bright? -

RWG:- Thaaaat's it!.....just stand there.....we're in Hereford you know.....

REJ:- Because He can't think very well? -

RWG:- Very good. Lovely old laws aren't they? I believe I have to ask if you're a Welshman....

REJ:- Because the people He talks to have lower IQs? -

RWG:- Oh look, I've found a longbow -

REJ:- Because it's just a scam for you to get money? -

RWG:- Now, now, we can't be having our little game spoilt can we? -

REJ:- Because -

*SWOOOSH!!! Thud!*  *Deaded*


  1. Up Yer Chuffer19 June 2012 at 11:53

    Only a moron would follow these idiots. 7 billion morons.

  2. Ooooooh! This is so good, so very very good. Well done mate.

  3. Can intersex only do intersex or do they have to keep things to themselves? Deuteronomy seems to have stuff about not eating shrimp and cutting women's hands off if they assault testicles in the line of self defence but nothing on the herms.

    P.S. The prove your not a robot thing asked me to type 'onettit'...now if that's not a Sheldrake I don't' know what is.

  4. Oh, bravo! That's a good one!