Friday, 1 June 2012

Our revenge will be the laughter of our children

Now hands up who thinks say 20 countries have more money than 200. Including the 20. Oooh! we have a taker. And indeed if it isn't it certainly is, transnational arbitragic slave-trader Steve 'arbeit macht frei' Jobs. Croeso i Lanfihangel-yr-creuddyn, Steve 'Arbeit macht frei' Jobs! -

SAMFJ:- Someone else write my autobiography -

REJ:- Now they call you the Damien Hirst of technology -

SAMFJ:- Called -

REJ:- Wel, they didn't. But can you explain why you were a geius? -

SAMFJ:- The predictive text said it when I typed bullythief -

REJ:- I thought it learnt the user? -

SAMFJ:- F knows. I just dossed about while others did it -

REJ:- I think you're getting mixed up -

SAMFJ:- Mind the app. Adam Smith was right. He wrote the wealth of nations. Not the wealth within nations. Yet nations are nations within nations. Yes. I think. er -

REJ:- Now you once famously said something stupid about a screw -

SAMFJ:- Yes. I remembered that director of Gone with the wind that said their underwear should be authentic, because they would know -

REJ:- Inspired -

SAMFJ:- Yes I often was -

REJ:- Anything you did that was original? -

SAMFJ:- Oh almost everything. I invented the mouse, the cat and the dog. At least. Then I invented gossip. Fuck! Let me type that again. Zuckerburg. lol. zxbdfvwidfu. Bollox. What's that? -

REJ:- Now I can't get this itunes shit off my computer -

SAMFJ:- Yes, that's the idea -

REJ:- Now you also invented the apple. Just after the Beatles. How are you doing in China? -

SAMFJ:- Wel, I don't follow the cases so much these days. But I think 50p an hour and no toilets. I can't know precisely, as I only arranged it -

REJ:- Mr. Ambassador, with these Ferrero Rocher you are spoiling us -

SAMFJ:- That doesn't 'cross the pond' -

REJ:- Wel, make up your own shit then -

SAMFJ:- There must be a short-cut -

REJ:- Now we are amused whenever Mcdonuts sues a Scotch for mutual advertising. But I believe you own the letter i -

SAMFJ:- Yes -

REJ:- Can we have it back? -

SAMFJ:- Sorry, No. Click 'Share' -

REJ:- ihate iyou -

SAMFJ:- They ilove ime -

REJ:- They may ibe itwats -

SAMFJ:- I think they're very iastute. 10ip please -

REJ:- Now when you invented the shitter computer, the icunt, combined with the isave on the manual, did you know in advance you could stop the Koreans making a better shitter computer for a tenth of the price? -

SAMFJ:- I don't reMurdochmembercall that particular case. I am dead you know -

REJ:- Not dead enough IMO -

SAMFJ:- Wel, you're just jealous -

REJ:- Indeed yes. I am often jealous of dog faeces. I watch them turn from dark to light. In the rain. And I am envious. I want to be one. Yes. -

SAMFJ:- You forget I was a wealth creator -

REJ:- You forget I have the highest recorded reasoning ability of any human in history. By some margin. -

SAMFJ:- Small pond -

REJ:- Dumb test. So is the Turing. But let's not get personal. Now the individual dies, the nation lives on. Is there any other way we might Godwin you? -

SAMFJ:- That's a bit harsh. I did have people glue Scrabble blocks into computers. Remember that at least -

REJ:- Now if you get a radio. And a clockwork. And a clockwork a radio. Perhaps via some kind of clockwork a radio. You are an inventor. But could this not be even more inventabled by adding the letter i? -

SAMFJ:- i think so -

REJ:- And if you invented a hoover, perhaps via some kind of sucking mechanism, and stupid people bought it, but not anyone who hoovers professionally, because it is shit, but odd colours, like what how a launderette doesn't buy shit washing machines. etc. Do you think you could sack everyone and go to Malaysia for more theft and still be a hero? -

SAMFJ:- I am absolutely convinced. The figures speak for themselves -

REJ:- Indeed they do -

SAMFJ:- Are you trying to be clever? -

REJ:- No, just cleverer than you. I'm not trying at all -

SAMFJ:- It shows -

REJ:- If a bear is chasing you, you need only run faster than your 'friend'. You are very much my 'friend' -

SAMFJ:- I have added value. And changed the way people communicate forever. And caused the arab spring. Yes. -

REJ:- What a busy bee. I remember when Hasselhoff brought down the Berlin wall -

SAMFJ:- Yes -

REJ:- And when Paul McCartney sang 'freedom'. Just after ten past nine -

SAMFJ:- Yes -

REJ:- Now when you died of cancer, did you notice you lived in a morally bankrupt country because of people like yourself, or was there an app le t for pretending you earned your money? -

SAMFJ:- I was patched up fine -

REJ:- While the richest country on earth denies it's people healthcare, and bombs others regular and go large. RIP Mr.Jobs. Well done.


  1. Angry and hard hitting but written with sparkling wit and fine feeling again. I love reMurdochmembercall. This one word encapsulates the evasion by the powerful at the Levenson enquiry. He (REJ) accepts no moral imperatives or assumed fixed core of values: he goes his own highly intelligent way and that makes him valuable. It is worth reading this treasure trove over and over AND I like Steve Jobs...

  2. Elle Veece, P. R. S. Lee, R. Hur. (Las Vegas, USA.)8 June 2012 at 13:06

    We note that, once again, REJ sticks the boot in to lesser mortals who have, in fact, shuffled off this mortal coil.

    More living totems also need to be tumbled, we think.

  3. Alrighty, I will. Wait 5 mins...