Thursday, 28 June 2012

Mantra for the ever

If beings could exist immaterially, there would be no need for material.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

The not remotely ridiculous amusingly self-destructing church of englande

Helo. I'm standing on the border of the Wales and Englande on the Offa. Get offa dyke. My left leg is in Wales, and my right leg is in the Englande. My left leg is in the church of wales, and my right leg is in of the church of englande. My cock is in both, and twice blessed.

But it wouldn't be so blessed if I put it in a bottom. Or would it? Hang on let's ask this passer-by.....- *Ooof!* - wel, so much for free speech. Hmmm...I know what, let's ask the God instead...- *............* -. Wel, unfortunately God is not available for direct comment, but He did send a representative. In fact He sent two, both saying opposite things. He's such a prankster! Let's not talk to the poofy one, and instead we'll say 'Croeso i outandabout gyda REJ, Reverend Wangrin!' -

RWG:- Would you like to see my cathedral? -

REJ:- Can I put my cock in your bottom? -

RWG:- I beg your pardon? -

REJ:- Can I put my cock in your bottom? -

RWG:- I suppose it depends on the diameter of the -

REJ:- No! I meant may I? I mean, in God's opinion? -

RWG:- Oh Him! yes. Of Course. Sorry. I forgot I was wearing the uniform. In kit as it were. Yes, now it makes sense. Wel, this is a very deep and complex question -

REJ:- No it isn't -

RWG:- No, I suppose you're right. I slip into the role too easily -

REJ:- Wel look, what I meant was, can I put my cock in your bottom - wel, not yours particularly - I mean -

RWG:- What's wrong with my bottom? -

REJ:- Nothing! I didn't mean -

RWG:- Mine is a very reverend bottom. Most reverend in fact - look it says so here on this plaque -

REJ:- Look stop talking about your bottom. What I meant was, can I put my cock in someone's bottom, a man's I think, and get some kind of clap from God? I mean, if I promise to only do the one bottom - something like that -

RWG:- That sounds boring -

REJ:- It doesn't matter if it's boring! I want to know what God's opinion is! -

RWG:- Wel I'm not sure He gives a fuck to be honest. He may have better things to do -

REJ:- It doesn't appear so -

RWG:- Wel that's a mystery isn't it. How much am I paid? For the clap thing? -

REJ:- Let's about a century? -

RWG:- I dunno....I am very busy.....candles to light and whatnot....

REJ:- Look, here's the gig. I find someone whose bottom I like, I get all my friends and family round -

RWG:- It's sounding a bit dodgy -

REJ:- No it isn't! I get all my friends and family round, and tell them all I'm going to pork this particular bottom. You say some mumbo jumbo, everyone claps, and then we all get pissed -

RWG:- er....can't you just pork it? What's all the fuss for? -

REJ:- Wel it's to make it serious. The bum-hole porking -

RWG:- I see. Wel, let me just consult the manual. There are rules for this sort of thing you know, otherwise you wouldn't know what to do -

REJ:- I just want to make sure God approves. When I'm porking the bum-hole. You know - when He's watching -

RWG:- Look, I know He's ineffable and all that, but I really don't think He spends eternity watching cocks going into bum-holes on some kind of infinite ethereal youporn wankfest kick. I think He does earthquakes, things like that -

REJ:- Wel, I suppose you'd know. You have dressed up as an imbecile after all -

RWG:- I do know some good songs -

REJ:- Look it works for minges. You bring your minge into God's house -

RWG:- God's everywhere you pillock! The house is just to keep the rain off my calligraphy. Look at this big 'A' I've drawn -

REJ:- Oooh! very nice -

RWG:- Look, sit down and have some mead old bean, you seem troubled. This beats working for tescos! -

REJ:- Diolch! Bottoms up! -

RWG:- That's better. Now lets start again. From the top -

REJ:- Not the bottom! -

RWG:- Very good. So let's see. You've got some genitals, and you want to put them where again? -

REJ:- Up bottoms! I mean up one bottom -

RWG:- Yes that sounds important -

REJ:- And I want to come here, bring all my friends and family, tell them what I'm going to do, then I want them all to clap how clever I've been, and then I want you to tell me God likes watching. My cock. Going into a bum-hole. Spurting -

RWG:- And I get money do I? Because it does sound a bit pointless -

REJ:-Yes yes! Money -

RWG:- Wel I suppose I could do with some more parchment -

REJ:- And nibs! -

RWG:- Yes yes, and nibs. I once broke my end on a particularly elaborate 'body of Christ' -

REJ:- So it's a deal then?! I can't wait to push some poo with the king of kings and my family and friends applauding! -

RWG:- I see. Yes. Of course. Wel, we'd better check the law then. Let's have a look at the old book -

REJ:- Wel?! Wel?!! -

RWG:- Fuck this is boring....are you sure you want to go through with this? Wouldn't you rather ring my bell? Lovely great big clapper - everyone will be asleep!!! It's the most enormous larks waking the fuckers up with my great big dong in the morning! -

REJ:- Get on with it! Marriage! Be under 'm' -

RWG:- bla cat.....bla bla.....leper cure.....bla bla witch destroying GMcrops....bla bla.....ah! Yes here it is. Marriage! -

REJ:- Yes! yes! -

RWG:- the union between.......Oh dear. Bit of a problem old bean -

REJ:- What is it? -

RWG:- Wel, it says here, that this fella you want to pork before God - for some reason - wel, er, he has to be a woman. Sort of thing -

REJ:- But that's unfair! -

RWG:- Life isn't fair, Richard bach - bit of Welsh there - If God had intended life to be fair He would have - Ooops! - forget I said that! I'd hate to have to get a real job -

REJ:- Wel, who wrote that silly law? -

RWG:- I dunno. Technically God did. But it's shit writing. I could do a better script -

REJ:- Perhaps it's harder when you're invisible. When you can't see your fingers -

RWG:- Good save! I'm looking for a new deacon as it happens, the last one split on me all of a sudden -

REJ:- Give me a look at that book. It can't be right. Let's see....when was this bit made up....

RWG:- Tradition Richard! It's all about tradition. Tradition that musn't be diluted. The sanctity of marriage! The -

REJ:- Oooh it says here if I go for the female option, I can beat her with a stick! -

RWG:- Wel, obviously some bits can be diluted -

REJ:- Oooh! And if she's not up for it - washing up or something - it says here I can rape her! Perhaps there is something in this tradition thing after all -

RWG:- Wel, technically it wouldn't be rape. Anyway - you've got the stick -

REJ:- The stick, yes -

RWG:- I think some parts of that book are out of date as it were -

REJ:- But you said it couldn't be altered! -

RWG:- Yes wel lying sort of goes with the job. In fact we meet up every year at the synod to make up new immutable laws - helluva piss up! - the Bishop of -

REJ:- Who the fucks going to fall for that? -

RWG:- Only very clever people -

REJ:- Wel look, let's just pencil in....or a man and a man....and...or a woman and a woman. Then I can be a princess! Like on Disney! -

RWG:- I'm afraid it's not as simple as that -

REJ:- Why ever not? -

RWG:- Wel, because when we meet up to make up the new things God hasn't said, people disagree. You know the sort - awkward fuckers, people like that. You see it's not always clear, what is literal, and what is metaphorical -

REJ:- Because God's a shit writer? -

RWG:- er...

REJ:- Because He couldn't make Himself clear? -

RWG:- er...

REJ:- Because He's special needs God? -

RWG:- sh! -

REJ:- Because He's inarticulate? -

RWG:- Pipe down now -

REJ:- Because He's not really an omnipotent telepath? -

RWG:- Richard....would you come outside for a second....

REJ:- Because He's not very bright? -

RWG:- Thaaaat's it!.....just stand there.....we're in Hereford you know.....

REJ:- Because He can't think very well? -

RWG:- Very good. Lovely old laws aren't they? I believe I have to ask if you're a Welshman....

REJ:- Because the people He talks to have lower IQs? -

RWG:- Oh look, I've found a longbow -

REJ:- Because it's just a scam for you to get money? -

RWG:- Now, now, we can't be having our little game spoilt can we? -

REJ:- Because -

*SWOOOSH!!! Thud!*  *Deaded*

Poem for the day

Someone different's not the same
Now if you'd like a different game
Ask the one who talks to trees
There may be whispers on the breeze

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Poem for the day

3 miles
The Earth curves
I see straight
Into space
I see back
Or forwards

Catch it
Capture light
Gone before
Gone to come

REJ:- Yes. The land of the clams. Indeed.

Perspective poem for the day

A million people died this week
A million died the week before
A hundred shot in Syria
And next week die a million more

Sunday, 10 June 2012


Wel, heddiw we have, via videoconferenceskype, - check for yourselves – you can clearly see the face staring at the screen – we'll have to trust us on what we're looking at the other end – you gotta have faith f faith f faith faith etc – President of the US of Auk, Barack whythefuckdidanyonecarewherehewasborndesperatepunt Obama. Yes. Seeing is believing. Croeso i Lanfihangel-yr-Creuddun, Barack whythefuckdidanyonecarewherehewasborndesperatepunt Obama! -

BOb:- Thankyou, Richard. And may I congratulate you on the occasion of your Queen's remarkable achievement -

REJ:- Diolch. As we say over here in merry olde Englandelande. She breathes like a natural. May I similarly ridiculously congratulate you in return, on the occasion of your achieving your pigmentation -

BOb:- I'd like to thank my parents -

REJ:- Sorri, I failed Biology -

BOb:- Wel, that's why you don't know what races are. Or genders -

REJ:- We had a woman in charge once -

BOb:- Uhuru -

REJ:- William Shatner -

BOb:- That was just a rumour -

REJ:- Anyway, I believe you have been celebrating something else -

BOb:- Indeed yes. Sorry I can't be arsed yankifying my lines -

REJ:- That's quits for Dick van Dyke then -

BOb:- Cor Blimey. Limey -

REJ:- I set fire to my chimney twice. I was typing on the internet and....never mind. What was it you was is the celebrations then? -

BOb:- Wel, further to removing the head of Al Qaeda, we have successfully removed the head of Al Qaeda, and just the other day, we successfully removed the head of Al Qaeda. Thus making it a headless state -

REJ:- One day Obi notsowan, one day. Perhaps when supermarkets can open themselves. Say 24-7, or 7-11. Not 2 hrs later -

BOb:- It's all a game to me! The ace of spades! The ace of spades! The free world rejoices. Britons never never never shall -

REJ:- Work unpaid -

Bob:-Workfair -

REJ:- That's the sound of the men, working on the Ju – ooh- bi – lee -

BOb:- Set phraser to stun -

REJ:- J.K. Galbraith -

BOb:- No, I'm going for growth. That's if it's alright with the people's bank of China that own me -

REJ:- Blue Spanish banks euro 2012. Growth of Al Quaeda by the look of it. Made up name btw – although now adopted fully -

BOb:- Win win, or no deal -

REJ:- Tell that to Noel Edmonds -

BOb:- I'm the one that got him to wear jumpers -

REJ:- D'you think the audience can keep up? I'm past caring. No I'm not – let's slow it down. Tell me again of your achievements -

BOb:- Wel, I've been bombing PakGhanisland -

REJ:- Been there. You almost have my sympathy. It's just I can control my psychotic episodes -

BOb:- That must be nice. Anyway, I haven't really. You see I tell someone else, and they tell someone else, and......*etc*.....and they use a remote -

REJ:- What a droner -

BOb:- And that means no innocents are killed. Apart from arbitrary darkies. Who, a recent survey suggests, don't like Us anyway -

REJ:- The funny fuckers -

BOb:- They also use sneaky tactics like IEDs -

REJ:- Easy to lay, hard to get rid of -

BOb:- Lady Diana landmines -

REJ:- Quite easy to get rid of as it turns out -

BOb:- Wel, you don't want brown heads of state. Look what happens -

REJ:- Germans better. Or a horse's arse even -

BOb:- How could a horse's arsecamilla banquet with psychopathic dictators? -

REJ:- It's more a symbolic role -

BOb:- 60 remarkable years. In that time we've seen a lot of changes. 60 years ago, a plutocracy -

REJ:- It couldn't happen in a republic -

BOb:- Never. So I take it you're a republican? Don't you love your Queen? -

REJ:- Wel, she either did all our war crimes, or did fuck all – just rubber-stamped them through. The Queen could just be a stamp -

BOb:- I've enjoyed our little natter chinwag mary poppins cheerio cheers -

REJ:- Good luck with how history colours you. God Bless America -

BOb:- God Save the Queen -

REJ:- God fuck us, everyone.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Our revenge will be the laughter of our children

Now hands up who thinks say 20 countries have more money than 200. Including the 20. Oooh! we have a taker. And indeed if it isn't it certainly is, transnational arbitragic slave-trader Steve 'arbeit macht frei' Jobs. Croeso i Lanfihangel-yr-creuddyn, Steve 'Arbeit macht frei' Jobs! -

SAMFJ:- Someone else write my autobiography -

REJ:- Now they call you the Damien Hirst of technology -

SAMFJ:- Called -

REJ:- Wel, they didn't. But can you explain why you were a geius? -

SAMFJ:- The predictive text said it when I typed bullythief -

REJ:- I thought it learnt the user? -

SAMFJ:- F knows. I just dossed about while others did it -

REJ:- I think you're getting mixed up -

SAMFJ:- Mind the app. Adam Smith was right. He wrote the wealth of nations. Not the wealth within nations. Yet nations are nations within nations. Yes. I think. er -

REJ:- Now you once famously said something stupid about a screw -

SAMFJ:- Yes. I remembered that director of Gone with the wind that said their underwear should be authentic, because they would know -

REJ:- Inspired -

SAMFJ:- Yes I often was -

REJ:- Anything you did that was original? -

SAMFJ:- Oh almost everything. I invented the mouse, the cat and the dog. At least. Then I invented gossip. Fuck! Let me type that again. Zuckerburg. lol. zxbdfvwidfu. Bollox. What's that? -

REJ:- Now I can't get this itunes shit off my computer -

SAMFJ:- Yes, that's the idea -

REJ:- Now you also invented the apple. Just after the Beatles. How are you doing in China? -

SAMFJ:- Wel, I don't follow the cases so much these days. But I think 50p an hour and no toilets. I can't know precisely, as I only arranged it -

REJ:- Mr. Ambassador, with these Ferrero Rocher you are spoiling us -

SAMFJ:- That doesn't 'cross the pond' -

REJ:- Wel, make up your own shit then -

SAMFJ:- There must be a short-cut -

REJ:- Now we are amused whenever Mcdonuts sues a Scotch for mutual advertising. But I believe you own the letter i -

SAMFJ:- Yes -

REJ:- Can we have it back? -

SAMFJ:- Sorry, No. Click 'Share' -

REJ:- ihate iyou -

SAMFJ:- They ilove ime -

REJ:- They may ibe itwats -

SAMFJ:- I think they're very iastute. 10ip please -

REJ:- Now when you invented the shitter computer, the icunt, combined with the isave on the manual, did you know in advance you could stop the Koreans making a better shitter computer for a tenth of the price? -

SAMFJ:- I don't reMurdochmembercall that particular case. I am dead you know -

REJ:- Not dead enough IMO -

SAMFJ:- Wel, you're just jealous -

REJ:- Indeed yes. I am often jealous of dog faeces. I watch them turn from dark to light. In the rain. And I am envious. I want to be one. Yes. -

SAMFJ:- You forget I was a wealth creator -

REJ:- You forget I have the highest recorded reasoning ability of any human in history. By some margin. -

SAMFJ:- Small pond -

REJ:- Dumb test. So is the Turing. But let's not get personal. Now the individual dies, the nation lives on. Is there any other way we might Godwin you? -

SAMFJ:- That's a bit harsh. I did have people glue Scrabble blocks into computers. Remember that at least -

REJ:- Now if you get a radio. And a clockwork. And a clockwork a radio. Perhaps via some kind of clockwork a radio. You are an inventor. But could this not be even more inventabled by adding the letter i? -

SAMFJ:- i think so -

REJ:- And if you invented a hoover, perhaps via some kind of sucking mechanism, and stupid people bought it, but not anyone who hoovers professionally, because it is shit, but odd colours, like what how a launderette doesn't buy shit washing machines. etc. Do you think you could sack everyone and go to Malaysia for more theft and still be a hero? -

SAMFJ:- I am absolutely convinced. The figures speak for themselves -

REJ:- Indeed they do -

SAMFJ:- Are you trying to be clever? -

REJ:- No, just cleverer than you. I'm not trying at all -

SAMFJ:- It shows -

REJ:- If a bear is chasing you, you need only run faster than your 'friend'. You are very much my 'friend' -

SAMFJ:- I have added value. And changed the way people communicate forever. And caused the arab spring. Yes. -

REJ:- What a busy bee. I remember when Hasselhoff brought down the Berlin wall -

SAMFJ:- Yes -

REJ:- And when Paul McCartney sang 'freedom'. Just after ten past nine -

SAMFJ:- Yes -

REJ:- Now when you died of cancer, did you notice you lived in a morally bankrupt country because of people like yourself, or was there an app le t for pretending you earned your money? -

SAMFJ:- I was patched up fine -

REJ:- While the richest country on earth denies it's people healthcare, and bombs others regular and go large. RIP Mr.Jobs. Well done.