Adiel ben Schmucknosher

Tiananmen square, Tiananmen square,
When Google is yellow, the square is not there.

Nawrte, everybody hates Google, but I've always said hypocrisy should not apply to me. Circles my arse. It is hard to face Mecca on a sphere. But mineral rights are straight down. Fish don't move, and we should privatise the weather. Underneath Afghanistan are vast resources of China. But I'm getting ahead of yourself. Now don't blame me, I just read them out. Anyway, always keen to help, I was busy removing Mari Nicesmile Warmhands' homeopathy leaflets from the llyfrgell - thus making it her strongest advertising campaign yet - when, - and you won't believe this - I bumped into Adiel ben Schmucknosher, transzoological mohel, himself. Yes. Croeso i Lanfihangel-y-creuddun, Adiel ben Schmucknosher himself, I said, and he replied -

ABS:- I haven't read Pinker -

REJ:- Da iawn. Nawrte, we haven't any Jews - whatever they are - in Llanfihangel-y-creuddun, that's why there are never any fights. Unless you count the occasional fight. 11.05 outside the Llew Coch. Pob nos. Slightly more when Wales win, as the testosterone is remotely -

ABS:- How do you know? -

REJ:- Wel, I can hear them. Then I sneak out and watch for a bit. It's very exciting. They disgust me! Animals! Why, I'd like to bang their heads together. And then punch them a bit. Maybe slowly tighten a noose around -

ABS:- How do you know you haven't any, if you don't know what one is? -

REJ:- Aha! You've got me there boyo! And you have to get out of the clay pretty early to get one over on me. Yes indeed. So you'll have to tell me then. Can anyone be a Jew, or is it just bad luck? -

ABS:- Anyone can! The big nose and myopia is not compulsory at all -

REJ:- I thought they were just John Lennon fans. Imagine no possessions....it's easy if you're an exorcist -

ABS:- Well no, Richard, they're not a race, they're more a people. In fact, some modern scientists have even ventured so far as to suggest they are, in some cases, actually people -

REJ:- Yes, Wel, We had to wait for Venter. And he had to wait for Collins. Although I wouldn't bother so much with the human biome, since a gene is a contrast, with the biome expression inherent. But I'm sure it will be useful elsewhere -

ABS:- It is completely optional. You can chose to be chosen. Yahweh's really not that fussy -

REJ:- Oooh! What's in it for me? -

ABS:- Saturday's off, a silly hat, and a ticket to paradise. I think we can skip the ringlets in your case -

REJ:- How does the ticket to paradise work? -

ABS:- By rail, mostly. Fourth class, but it's more about the destination, I always say -

REJ:- Sold! and do I get to run Hollywood? -

ABS:- Yes, yes! - all that! - run the banks, fake the moon landing, hide people's odd socks etc. All that comes with it. It's supposed to be a secret, but somehow the truth always gets out on the internet -

REJ:- Sign me up! Sign me up! Wait til Sioned hears about this! This will more than make up for that broadphonelectricgasband deal she won't shut up about. Just 18 months left. Hmmm....will I be able to dance with a bottle on my head? -

ABS:- I expect so -

REJ:- That's good, because when I tried to be a Cossack -

ABS:- Your knees -

REJ:- How did you know? -

ABS:- Just something about you told me -

REJ:- Wel, never mind, just get on with it. What do I do? I expect there'll be some chants and wails, some rocking back and forth like an autistic haven't, some sacrificial arabs, - that sort of thing -

ABS:- Oh, there'll be wailing and rocking alright. Be worse than you watching the rygby -

REJ:- But first! tell me just what exactly is a transzoological mohel? -

ABS:- Matthew, Mark, Luke & John, - all made-up - pass me your schlong! -

REJ:- er -

ABS:- I know. Not a very good rhyme if God wrote it. But translating poetry's always difficult. Now it was revealed to me, like a glistening blood-stained baby glans I sucked off, quite reasonably I thought, while family and friends clapped, that the biggest drawback in Africa is an elephant's foreskin -

REJ:- It's nice you had the clap -

ABS:- Now as I'm sure you are aware, God has had three ghost-written international best-sellers. Because that's the sort of thing Gods do. But only one is correct. It's not quite perfectly correct though, and that means we get to have different kinds of Jew, all differently chosen. It occurred to me, whilst staring inanely at a candelabra that would embarass Liberace, that I should go forth and mark the flesh of some of all of God's creation. Namely, all the ones with cocks -

REJ:- With you so far -

ABS:- I would hope so. It's not a particularly difficult argument to follow. Do an Israel joke -

REJ:- Israel.

ABS:- Yes it isn't democratic, because the majority of the donor populations don't vote. Bit late now really. But we weren't doing silly ideas. We were doing transzoological genital mutilation. Now the biggest cocks are found -

REJ:- Whales! -

ABS:- We heard you. And saw it coming a page ago. But we did hope -

REJ:- You're new here, aren't you? Some hope. Mind you, mein Jew, nihilism is pointless -

ABS:- Can I tell you about the rhinocerous I initiated? -

REJ:- Talk to the wall. I've got to go and kill some Persianians. I mean, if Uncle Tombama says so. He watches snuff movies in public, with pride, so I think we should do what he says instead.