Saturday, 24 March 2012

In our time

It is often rarely said, in Abati-cwm-hir, that after 43 and a quarter, a man becomes responsible for his face. Shrunken-headed sable spiricreative-framed corvine aspic-trampoline sad-balloon-after-the-party -face, Melvyn 'Black eyes' Bragg, disagrees. And he's very clever, like Stephen Fry. If you think knowledge = clever. Wiki-clever then. Malheureusement, as they say in the land where the state owns your face, the good lord saw unfit to bless me with genius. However, I do have a friend he preferred. Actually more an acquaintance. But just because you can't see him, doesn't mean he isn't there. In fact, by the magic of lying, they're both here now. Him and Bragg. And this time, by George North, I'm ready for him. You watch this:-

Dr.B:- *Peep! Pee -

REJ:- *Dart! * -

Dr.B:- *Poop! * -

REJ:- Bagged him! That should slow him down a bit. Ok, off you go Melvyn. In your own time -

MB:- Ever since civilisation began, but 500 million years after ants invented agriculture, people have believed in many gods, one god, or none. All of these are respectable positions. Super reasons in fact. But reason is not the primary source of knowledge -

REJ:- R-E-S-P-E-C-T! God knows what it means to he! - Honour killing fantasy, rape 'em first - their fault you see - uh-huh! just a little bit - uh huh! just a little -

Dr.B:- You did tell him I'm not a medical doctor? -

REJ:- Just be grateful I didn't let Delia in -

MB:- We start with emotions, and passions and feeling, the roots of which we don't know, and perhaps never will know -

Dr.B:- Well, they're in heads -

MB:- Things come to us outside the realms of reason, intimations of love, surprise by joy, little pulses that we don't know where they come from, we don't know where they lead to, but they satisfy us or they make us despair -

Dr.B:- They come from heads, Melvyn. You see if I remove your head -

REJ:- Bit crude, Dr.B, bit crude -

Dr.B:- Ok, if I remove part of your head -

REJ:- Now, now, we spoke about this sort of thing -

Dr.B:- Alright, if I look at someone without these pulses, and note which parts of their head are kaput, or absent, - that's where they come from. -

MB:- Perhaps we'll never know -

Dr.B:- Look I just fucking told you -

REJ:- Mae'n ddrwg gen I, Melvyn bach!, I think I got the dose wrong. Let me just play Dr.Nick again.....*Dart! * -

Dr.B:- Oooh!.....Smooth! I love you Melvyn -

MB:- Perhaps we'll never know -

Dr.B:- I'm feeling the pulses baby!.....mmmmmm!'ve got lovely legs, Melvyn. Has anyone ever told you that? -

REJ:- Sorri!, Sorri! More of an art at the moment, as you say -

MB:- You're not so bad-looking yourself, Dr.B. Perhaps I don't know exactly why I think so, but ever since civilisation began -

Dr.B:- You've got lovely, strokeable hair -

MB:- Yes, I know - *Stroke! *- mmmmm! - Do you want a go? -

REJ:- Mounting Probable! Not before you're married! And you can't get married. Because we are respecting religion, as you so wisely prescribe, Mr. Bragg. Now when a Ugandan queer is strung up, I think we can all respect that. And when an albino witch is burnt, I think again, there is consensus in this room. But what if the mysterious pulses ever manifested in a silly idea? Or even a nasty one? Must we respect that also? -

MB:- Lacking a primary source of knowledge other than pulses -

Dr.B:- I've gone off him -

REJ:- He could be a dull as fuck cunt, after all. Never mind. -

MB:- Thankyou for downloading this podcast -

REJ:- *Delete *


  1. The homophonic Mr B FRS FBA FRSA FRAT FCUK causes the reactive opposite to an infatuation. This probably starts with the mystical messaging of exterior smuggosity which via some telepathical signalling processed in Soho House is then through the dark forces of digesteopathy manifested into churning gut-based reactions. We shouldn't rule out God. Once was in a lift with him (what a name-dropper) which, though having to rise through an age of floors, fortunately did not get stuck - it was the same smugness nonstop. Amazing where you can get with the right pitch of voice and an ability not to say 'um' or 'like' too often. At least Fry has some circumstance to go with the pomp (Laurie always seemed sharper).

  2. None of the superlatives is enough for this writing...he is astounding though.

  3. Wonderful! You put the boot firmly up the jacsi of that boorish oaf Bragg. How he can proudly parade his ignorance of the implications of scientific discovery and expect praise for his 'respecful' position of intolerant and backward notions deserves full Bendi treatment. And he gets it here in spades. Bravo!