Monday, 27 February 2012

Here be Dragons

Nawrte, Wales was born in AD 383 with Macsen Wledig, bastard child of Roman and Barbarian slave-owners, fabricated in the ninth century by lying genealogists in the service of the second royal dynasty of Gwynedd.

The capital was made up in 1955, the flag in 1959, and that station name in 1860, because no one realised you could get away with skirts and an invisible plesiosaur.

The nation is bound together by particularly strong ties, - 100% of the population never having met 99.9% of themselves. The true Welsh speak a curious language, a creolised mentalese, similar in form to Latin, Swahili, Black American English Vernacular, and every other fucking language.

They are governed primarily by a systemised entropy, and metabolise energy via respiration. Popular tradition states they typically have four limbs, like singing, and are proficient at killing Zulus, - often at the same time. They latterly developed a peculiar fondness for South American islands, and being part-melted by French rockets. They eat seaweed.

Since it was first made-up, no one has bothered to conquer Wales, apart from estate agents. But the Welsh, being an imaginative race, promptly set about conquering themselves, and secured a consumate victory - still in evidence today - with 10% successfully plundering 90% of the wealth, using the ingenious tactic of looking and sounding like everybody else, and joining in the singing when things got awkward.

The radioactive North, or Hen Ogledd, is largely isolated from nowhere in the world. Here the mother tongue mutates to backwards even within itself, with the crypto-palindromic 'rwan'. The Deceangli and the Ordivices, proud serf-noble savages, confounded the Roman navvies with their strange attire and human sacrifice to trees, and clever things like that, re-enacted annually in Yr Orsedd, which in the absence of any genuine variation in skin colour, all being either one-shade-off-dead or burnt-to-fuck-on-holiday, instigated a complex system of colour-coded clothing. That's if you think 3 colours is complex.

The lower western penninsula, domain of the Demetae, who I can't be bothered to look up, - we're doing one line of 'for eric' as I'm sure you've noticed - probably did something very super, although the English bought it in the 20th century.

King Arthur built Stonehenge, Madog discovered America (some say it was already there), and very recently someone made up the misnomer Mabinogion, although the stories are old, and thus true. Bendigeidfran was resurrected and thought it all very....

Williams!!! Scott Williams!!! He's going to score!!! 19 - 12!!! If that doesn't represent a great personal victory for myself, then what does?!!!

'Lord', said Iddawg 'at what art thou laughing?'

'Iddawg', said Arthur, 'I am not laughing, but rather how sad I feel that men as mean as these keep this island, after those that kept it of yore'.

This is the stuff dreams are made of.


  1. Yyeeeessssss to every word - especially after being at Murrayfield yesterday - Ah, the stuff that Genius is made of...

  2. Looking through the other end of this vicarious joy-giving telescope makes me say;

    1. I'm so pleased that in the end the officials managed to ignore 'our' late try and reward the Taffs with a bauble that they value above all sense; that narcotic should keep them happy for another year or two.

    2. Yet another year of slow golf-clap applause for the Jocks in achieving the result they yearn for; defeat but in a manner they feel is worthy of their biscuit-tin heritage.

    Oooer! Slipping into that condescending English caricature was a little too easy ...

  3. I'm sure they'll be fine if they learn cricket.

  4. So good I've briefly remembered who I am and forgotten all my names. Normal service will, unfortunately, no doubt be resumed.

  5. Francois Flintstone28 February 2012 at 21:09

    The not-yet-invented prehistoric Europeans may be have Torville and Deaned it across to the Americas even before Big Chief I-Spy ruskied in from Siberia. Euro-cavemen genes in the ancient American Indian pool. Possibly Welsh, "Adar o'r unlliw, ehedant i'r unlle". As the Psittaciformes say.