Thursday, 23 February 2012

Marvellous mechanical mouth-organ

Bumbling professorbird Yaffle of Dawkins was this week caught, live, remembering 20 words only just a bit quicker than a pretend Christian could not remember one. News of the catastrophic failure of Darwinianismistism to account for the diversity of life on the planet, spread around the globe by some unaccountable mechanism. There were even misreportings of transcript mutation.

Biology fell into crisis overnight, as the recitation of the one holy text must be immediate, or at least within 30 seconds, or else animals don't exist. A house of cards Bishop glee'd 'Dickens is the only one who has seen an evolution, and that evolution has turned out to be a lie. I should have a vote where he hasn't'.

A BMA spokeswoman advised all NHS patients to self-discharge with immediate effect. 'The game's up. Hawkings has let the cat out of the bag. Biology doesn't work, never has, never will. We just liked getting together and pretending really. I suppose it made us feel better, but modern medicine was dependent on evolution being true. And now it isn't'.

Self-expressed 'High priest keeper-of-the-dream', Yitchkins, was clearly not expecting the Spanish question. 'I can't believe I lost another quick-fire lying contest', he pecked. 'You don't see Cameron doing that'. The Vicar-of-Darwin-on-Earth went on to confess he was not really infallible either. 'I may as well get it all off my carved wooden feathery chest. It has really been a terrible burden lying for so long, particularly keeping the truth from every fucking scientist in every fucking branch of science in the fucking world. I made it all up, from a single bone I found on answersingenesis'.

micro, micro, micro, macro.

A dog-level IQ 'listener', a dog you understand, not a wolf - which would go Owwwwwwwwwww at the moon, and things like that, said 'I only heard er um er um er um-de-dum. The actual content was out of my thinking range. I think it was a very good question, the exact equivalent of not-remembering one word at all'.

The shamed dendravian chimera, Beakings, pecked on to say 'To be honest I'm amazed I got away with it for so long. Micro-evolution is so fast, it can only be seen by watching, and human beings don't have eyes. They don't even have brains. Darwin made it all up too - they really should have got it from that bear turning into a whale story. I'd better come clean:- I've never seen a bear give birth to a whale. A lot of Charlie's guesses have just turned out to be so-stories, and if you find a whale with feet, then there is one thing you know immediately. Whales don't have feet. Mnyeh, mnyeh, mnyeh'.

Bishop of cuckoo nest, the very very mostest reverend highest motherfather superior most holy, humble-person, Lord Cardinal dressing-up games, opined 'How dare Dawkhitch tell them what they are. They are beneath me, that's what they are - it says so in my head. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, but self-identiquacks as a horse, then it's a horse. As long as I get a free ride, that's fine'.

Self-tridentified logical impossibility bewildered gypsy-Nazarene - not that the place existed at the time - Iesu Grist, manifested in the necrotic tissue on the face of a maggot-infested baby. 'God's law is black and white - just like me dependent on the skin of the painter. Everyone must obey God's law. If you are a childless widow, with an unmarried brother-in-law, then you must er um er um er um-de-dum....hang on, that can't be right. Who wrote this shit? Fuck it, I'll sell myselves on ebay instead'.

A bored 'philosopher', after 3 days not drinking, or was it 4? briefly resurrected, and with an inaudible sigh, in pixels via binary, and a little bit else for computer pedants - that's all of them - pointed out no one can be a Christian, not even Jesus. 'If you have to ask why, please go away'. He sulked, not particularly enigmatically.


  1. He wrote that fast and furious, and hilarious - hits the Mark every time. That's tellin them. No effort involved.

  2. Yaffle taken down by his own inter-observer correlating taxonomy of imaginary patterns. Plexed artistry. Nongod clearly in a mood for impractical jokes.

  3. The Tutnese Squeeze23 February 2012 at 13:48

    I think it's quite obvious this self-identified Charlie Mouse is nothing of the sort. The real Charlie Mouse, whilst cuttingly observant, would never drop in the stolen alter-ego descriptors of dearly departed Russian émigré writers. Rather, he'd issue an "I know what it is", or somesuch endearing phrase. And of course he would. Know what it is, that is. Just like the good old Dr Dickturpins.

    Rather, we must assume this impostor to be one of these types who frequently haunt the fifth estate with the deluded notion that their ill-conceived defective memes might be worth sharing. Fortunately this subset (we must call them a subset, if only by nature of their not belonging to any other subset or subsets) finds little truck with the better networked. It is hoped one day that they might, perhaps, be given their own 'territory'. At which point, the dispossessed might become possessed, erect a national flag of choice and start adopting the same socially functional misbehaviours as the rest of us.