Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Hedonistic sustainability

Now if you have your own windmill, your electric is free. But if you have lots of windmills, economies of scale means your electric goes up. Yes. The teletubbification of Wales would seem then to be a mistake. Nothing is often the wisest thing to say, and always the greenest thing to do. Apart from composting yourself. But people prefer doing things, and the doctrine of intelligent laziness will never catch on. Somethingmustbedone. As Gandhi said 'Be the change you want to see in the world'. So, nappies on, and sitting comfortably thinking about salt, let's see who comes through the catflap today.'s a chihuahua. Now that is silly -

Chihuahua:- A Great Dane would be silly -

REJ:- Scooby don't. Nawrte boys, Malthus has been wrong every year since 1798. So the odds are he's going to be right soon. That's why I buy scratchcards -

Ch:- Correct. Things are hotting up, Richard, and the time is upon us. But let's look at alternative alternatives. Since the non-alternative alternatives are a bit old hat. -

REJ:- The ceiling's yours -

Ch:- Diolch. All this I have seen. First, smart bacteria, augmenting nano-gnats, will inject hyperphotosynthetic tattoos onto Australians. This will mean kangaroos can be burnt for fuel -

REJ:- That doesn't sound particularly green -

Ch:- Ha! I suspect you stumbled over my use of the word 'burnt' -

REJ:- Maybe, maybe not -

Ch:- You've no idea have you? -

REJ:- I might have -

Ch:- Have you? -

REJ:- No.

Ch:- In the future, the word 'burnt' means 'incorporated into over-unity cyber-hamster-balls'. But 'burnt' is shorter. -

REJ:- Even language will be more efficient! -

Ch:- Yes. Now the overunitycyberhamsterballs will raise the solar net-wire into space - wireless of course -

REJ:- Lighter that way -

Ch:- And the solar radiation will be refocussed on the betattooed Australians. You see how it all fits together, Gaia-style? -

REJ:- What happens when you run out of kangaroos? -

Ch:- Well, you move on to Arabs and camels. And adjust the net-wire. -

REJ:- Hmmmm...ok, what's next? -

Ch:- We drill baby drill, deep into the earth. But first we build a chimney into space. More of a lift really. Built by -

REJ:- Smart bacteria -

Ch:- Yes. And the half-vegetable people.

REJ:- Wel, they'll get bored out in the sun all day. What happens when the earth's empty though? -

Ch:- Way ahead of you. That's what it means to be a futurologist. Neuronanogenosuper fish are evolved up a gradient to desalinate the oceans. And spit it onto the Sahara, a bit like those spitting fish. Hang on a mo, I think they'll fly as well. -

REJ:- Jolly good -

Ch:- Yes. The Sahara will bloom, fix the CO2, and create ideal habitat for Kanga-camels. Yes, that's it -

REJ:- No flying cars then? -

Ch:- We're doing the future. Canada will be turned into wire by eletransmutation, and the empty core of the earth filled with a coil. The magnetic poles will be raised on scaffolding, I know a good firm, and I've forgotten how a dynamo works. But in the future people will know. And probably do something like that. I'm not Faraday, I'm a chihuahua. -

REJ:- Anything else? -

Ch:- Smart lions, with smart bacteria on their tongues, will lick cows and turn methane into water. There might be some intermediate steps there, but nothing to trouble a biochemist of the future. I feel sure -

REJ:- What about neuroxeno-luminescent jelly-mice?

Ch:- Well, the rule of the future is you can make more than you can imagine. That's until the further future, when you can imagine more than you can make. Although you'll no longer be you. You'll be something else.

REJ:- I hope I don't make it.


  1. He's the best and I admire this even when I don't get all the allusions! He will be published.