Sunday, 14 August 2011

The Wasteland

Cludgie-anagram T.S.Eliot famously measured his life in spoons. But is there more to life than cutlery? It's a difficult answer. So let us, with a gladsome mind, move on to late-night shopping. Late-night shopping. I'll never understand it. But maybe reflex ejaculations from our finest thinkers - Starkey aside, since I need at least one hand behind my back to bother - can explain. And if I just randomly magick them in and out, it will be far less effort to write. I find them boring too.

Wel, everyone wants to appear first. We could order them by cliche I suppose, or we could go for a linear narrative, with a repetitive stealth-refrain under the thinkdar, or we could be made of electrons, and take the path of least resistance. I've never been in such an excited state, so subject to spin.

So, any order it is. I'll correct them later I yawnise.

Archbishop of Beardbury:- *Wrrrriiiiing!!!*

REJ:- Lovely Welsh Rrrrrrrrs, I use my tongue -

AOB:- Sharia is more hands-on. -

REJ:- Straighter than Ernie Wise -

AOB:- Two men in a bed. I think lots about that -

REJ:- Nawrte, sense now boys bach. Is there any way, any way at all, any possible justification, any possible excuse, any etc, that you should be paid £400 a day? -

AOB:- The hat's heavy -

REJ:- Hmmmm...

AOB:- The stick's unwieldy -

REJ:- er...

AOB:- You've worked it out on a five-day week. I only do Sundays -

REJ:- How much is the rent? -

AOB:- Fuck off.

REJ:- As a hangover ensures a continuous steady improvement in circumstance, so we have our next enguestulation. And if it's not Mr. Potato head with his angry eyes, then I'm Geert Wilders -

Pat Condell:- I think it's religion. Muslims mostly. Desert god. I'm very brave. Wibble, wibble -

REJ:- Be some sore wrists in the morning! -

PC:- Blessed are the peacemakers. That's me. Peace. -

REJ:- Sioned says I musn't say twat. Or Norwegian fan. Hmmm....I suppose that does sound rude too. Ok, who's our next verbal bulimic? -

David Eton:- Let's be absolutely tanned. This is criminality. This is not like taking drugs at Eton. -

REJ:- It's funny reading Orde -

DE:- The lieback has begun. My punishment was exclusion from society. Suspension from Eton. For a bit. I Kill Libyans. But why do some people find violence exciting? They are, quite wankly, sick. -

REJ:- We should track them down -

DE:- Tuscany's nice.

REJ:- 340 dead coons in 12 years and no cops jailed. Right, lets not play the race card. Keep your mind above your navel. Ok who's next to vomit? -

Nick Griffin:- The colour-coding system has been completely messed up. You can't tell who the goodies and baddies are until they open their mouths -

REJ:- Yes, I just noticed -

NG:- And -

REJ:- No, you're only worth one line. And that was like tennis against Hawking. Shall we crank it up a bit? -

NG:- Keep it simple. Supreme persons aren't so quick -

REJ:- Wel, for reasons of spatio-temporal constraints, and boredom, lets have one anyMP -

OneanyMP:- The problem is the three R's. Reading, 'Riting, 'Rithmetic, and 'Respec'. Some of these people can't even count. We need better sums in our schools -

REJ:- If £3.50 gets you 6 months, what does £20,000 get you? -

OneanyMP:- A duckhouse.

REJ:- As Hazel Blears says, we must apply the full farce of the law. But let's ignore her, and go instead to Boris Hairbrush -

BH:- Thankyou. Yes. Good point. Yes. Well you're always trying to make me look silly. Yes. Good point. Sticks. Yes. -

REJ:- Now Boris, I feel you may be the last of the easy targets before we do something deeper, so maybe you could say something silly, and blame it on me -

BH:- Yes. Good point. I understand. I don't like eggs. Now I think we need to hear a little bit less about economics. Looting is never about economics. Look at how many libraries were looted -

REJ:- No libraries -

BH:- Good point, well done. Yes. But - Can I talk to some volunteers? Are you a volunteer? This is the true Blitz spirit. When burglaries went up. Although you may have bought into the myth. Good point. etc. -

REJ:- Bedknobs and broomsticks. Wel, baseball-bat sales are up 5000%. Hang on a mo, I've become an intrepid reporter. Like Tintin. -

*earpiece!...find me a muslim....I've got the 2 day old fire in a loop....*

REJ:- Better do as I'm told. Like an economic-determinist. Not that that's plausible. -

REJTintin:- Helo, Mr. Muslim. Now I underknow your son was killed last night. You must be very angry. Look at these flames -

MrM:- No, I'm just sad. I think the violence should stop -

REJT:- But, your son was brutally killed. You must be calling for Jihad, like it says on the TV:-

Mr.M:- I'm sorry, but I refuse to integrate -

*earpiece! Get a proper Mooooslim or I'm fired*

REJT:- There aren't any. Hundreds can do this, and there are millions of moooooslims here. What a hack. I blame the parent company.

*Tintin to the crab aux pinces d'or!*

REJ:- Wel, we could take some vox pops, or we could deny anecdata. It would be worth it for a play on words. People could feel clever. Let's do the vox pops tomorrow, as I'm finding it tedious. Instead for now, let's have an expert on shoppingology, Dr. Adverts de Spaz:-

Dr.AdS:- Enchante! -

REJ:- Nawrte, Dr.Adverts de Spaz, many people find it puzzling that many people don't find it puzzling that intrinsically valueless bollocks-tat can have such a high value. In the minds of Spazzes. Like you. -

Dr.AdS:- And me. You'll have to start the refrain soon if you want to call it such. Anyway, Pavlov is dead.

*drrrrrriiiiiing! Beepity beep!*

Dr.AdS:- Excuse me. That's my new Twatphone. Tetra-phonic touch-tool. Would you like me to extol the virtues of my extended-phenotypical glintzy-magpie tinsel-bauble that have somehow become my own virtues, in my own mind, and that I feel an urge to proclaim, in your own too? -

REJ:- Not really. When I vomit on my keyboard I don't ask for the clap. -

Dr.AdS:- Yes but this is me. I don't have anything else. My job is to convince you that you don't either -

REJ:- It is very shiny -

Dr.AdS:- Do you want it? Do you want it Sir? Do you want it? There's a bird fingering it. Do you want it? Do you want it Sir? -

REJ:- Fast cars. Now before the deepity stuff, lets have Dr.Bendi. To say something silly. Just because he's feeling left out. And some not-joiners-in have felt so left out they've typed for days.

Dr.B:- Whoop! Whoop! This is how it is. Yes. Whoop. A feel is a reveal. Yes. A revelation. You can't help your reveals in advance unless you know you can. Whoop etc. Actions are feels travelling back to homeostasis. Convoluted. All in the balance. Now my hierarchical inference machine - that's him - says it with scales. Lower in the hierarchy must be greater weighting to overcome higher thoughts. Higher thoughts are post-hoc dulls. The bigger the flame beneath one scale, the bigger the flame 'neath the other must be. Ted Haggard.

REJ:- Wel, let's meet some normal people. They are the experts on abnormal people. Let's ask them all how much they plunder/earn from their own community. And see if they will admit it, or plead 'none-of-your-business'. - as if they knew it, but were ashamed.

1stnormalperson:- None-of-your-business. Anyway, I worked hard for it. Just look at me. I could run a marathon with a hod of bricks on my back. Look how hard I've worked.

REJ:- An intellectual, I think. What price ideas? -

1np:- None-of-your-business. These people are animals. Destroying their own businesses. That are none-of-their-business -

REJ:- No point if no one gets it. Let's try a lower gear -

2ndNormalperson:- These people have everything. So there is no excuse. Look at Somalia. There is no excuse for my middle class depression. Feels real though -

REJ:- Perhaps a big fire would make a clearer point. Albeit inarticulate -

BigFire:- Hello. I am a bigfire. See my fingers dance! You find me exciting don't you? -

REJ:- No, I'm far above that. Not! Lol. I'm down with the kids! -

Entrepreneur:- Hello. I own ten houses, and three were burnt down. I think I should have their housing benefit cut so I learn about theft.

REJ:- If you gotta ask, you'll never know -

3rdNormalperson:- I'm going to pick up on what you said earlier. I blame the parents. Now, we haven't made the parents. That's a crucial point. Children do. Years are long aren't they? The problem is in the home. Homes are nothing to do with economics. But if the childrens were paid £50grand a year and given two houses at least, they wouldn't fiddle their expenses. -

REJ:- Louis Armstrong -

4thnormalperson:- I just don't understand it. And if I really don't, then it won't happen again. Can we swap them for Norwegian kids? -

REJ:- Whatever.


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  2. Have read this again and again and again. Only gets better - silkily smooth writing, acute, funny, heady. Why no comments? Is this the right vehicle for his writing? "Late night shopping" deserves a bigger audience than this blog as he sums up so many aspects of the recent riots, political, social, cultural and economic. These issues and factors are wittily and deftly dealt blows by the master. I do have my concerns about offensive racial and disabled terms detracting at times from the impact of the high quality satire which bowls along. The characters, dialogue, political points and references add up to pure genius. REJ forever!

  3. Should be sent to a National newspaper.(perhaps substituting offensive terms) Sums up the whole picture of the riots and people's reactions to them incisively and hilariously.Needs to be widely read.

  4. Trust me this should me a radio show. Acid for the Radio Four mind. Hydrochloric or lysergic I'm not sure, but either would do.

    Gwyneth Williams, R4's controller has been recently kidnapped from outside Broadcasting House. I told her she'd be sleeping with the fishes tonight if she didn't give REJ 6 half hour tea-time slots on a Friday. She refused and is now restrained in the spare room with the guppies.

    Showed her the work. Pointed out that he was allegedly Welsh like her. "No go, sorry dear," she sighed. "Too high brow, see. Now that Radio Three's more the place. They do high brow and vast quantities of Charlie. Roger Wright's your man, Bach and a baggie...Have you got keys for these things?"

    Still working on it.