Wednesday, 18 November 2009

A regrettable holiday to Dinbych-y-pysgod and back and the teletubbies.

Bore da pawb! I have regrettably been away on a little holiday to Dinbych-y-pysgod and back. Less on that later. Now many people haved lived and died in llanfihangel-y-Creuddun. In fact so far everyone's died - it's quite an unlucky town in that respect. Of the four thousand two hundred remaining residents, the vast majority are alive and ill but they do have one other thing in common. And that is that they are not farmers - unlike I seamlessly linkly say today's front-room guest Mistar Ifor ap Jones, Glanwern, who farms at Glanwern farm and is as we say in these parts, a farmer.

REJ:- Jones Glanwern!

IJG:- Richard Emmanuel Jones! Duw, we've got the same surname. I must buy a lottery ticket. I'll call you Richard -

REJ:- Please do -

IJG:- And I'll call me Jones Glanwern. You can too -

REJ:- Indeed. Good, that's settled then. Now Ifor, you are as we say in these parts are you not a farmer you are aren't you isn't it?

IJG:- Well almost right Richard, the actual word is custodianofthecountryside -

REJ:- Oooh that's quite an impressive word there Ifor -

IJG:- Diolch! but it's the NFU's word not mine, chwarae teg -

REJ:- Credit where credit's due fairplay chwarae teg -

IJG:- And can you tell me Ifor what exactly a custodianofthecountryside actually does?

REJ:- er - you're in my chair -

IJG:- Sorry -

REJ:- That's alright. And can you tell me Ifor what exactly a custodianofthecountryside actually does?

IJG:- Indeed I can.

REJ:- Well would you please?

IJG:- Well at the moment Richard, but not this exact moment - I'm mostly just talking now - I am planting hedges. Two rows of Radnorshire weave, one metre apart, two metres high, twelve hectares a -

REJ:- Planting hedges...

IJG:- Hedges, yes. You know what hedges are Richard don't you? The stitching in the patchwork, the -

REJ:- Why to good God are you planting hedges?

IJG:- Well fifty thousand reasons really! -

REJ:- But twenty years ago you ploughed up all your hedges. What was that in aid of?

IJG:- Well that was in aid of the two new RangeRovers - you see grants were different then -

REJ:- They were?

IJG:- Yes back then I got paid to plough the hedges up - look Richard - I know what you're thinking -

REJ:- You do?! Iesu Mawr! How do you know what I'm thinking? This is beyond! This is magic! What am I thinking now? Go on Ifor! What am I thinking? Are you one of those magic voodoo men like Derren Randi off the telly? What am I thinking now? I'll give you a clue - it goes woof! - no that's too easy, I'll think of something else - er - dammo! I can't get the blasted dog out of my head now - it was a dog you see -

IJG:- Really? I thought it was a horse -

REJ:- Oooh! close! Right number of legs....a tail....two eyes...a mout -

IJG:- Yes. One in the eye for Dr. Blackmore eh? Anyway we were talking about windfarms -

REJ:- Oooh! You mean talking in our minds don't you? mind-talking!......let me see.......windfarms......windfarms.....Sioned's pants......Glenys the baps.....windfarms?......ah!.....Glenys the baps.....Teletubbies! Yes! I was mind-thinking -

IJG:- And what a mind. Yes I get £1200 a year a prop and I've 200 so far. Do you know Richard, that's enough electricity to power 50,000 homes!

REJ:- Well we've only got 4000 -

IJG:- It's not about that Richard, it's more about making up the money I lost during footandmouth -

REJ:- How much did you lose?

IJG:- Minus a million, Richard, minus a million!

REJ:- Minus...

IJG:- Yes. Losing minus a million left me with a net +£million payout from the ministry. My whole herd was destroyed and I was forced to accept full market price -

REJ:- That must have been hard -

IJG:- Tears were rolling down my cheeks Richard, they still do whenever I think about it -

REJ:- You're shaking now -

IJG:- Well - I didn't get into farming to kill animals for money - it goes against every farmer's nature - excuse me a moment....

REJ:- Oh but you're sobbing! It sounds like you're sobbing! Poor Ifor bach! And such bad luck that your herd was the only one infected in 200 square miles! - those bubbly blisters on those poor creatures...ooooh they must have hurt!...reminded me of when little Ethan scalded his leg....when the kettle...

IJG:- Well thanks Richard, I think I should go now -

REJ:- And all the time you kept such an outwardly cheerful demeanor! Such a brave face you put on it all! -

IJG:- Well you have to try and keep the spirits up -

REJ:- And you kept singing! What was that song you kept singing? Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tan, Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr! -

IJG:- I really must go, Hwyl fawr Richard, ooops I've dropped some money -

REJ:- What did that song mean again? Sosban fawr yn berwi ar a llawr.....big sospan boiling on the that right? Sioned! SIONED! What does that sospan song mean again? -


  1. Ah! Those old ethnic ditties. And I thought they were just blithering nonsense. Reminds me of one we have round here-

    From morn 'til night, blow out your kite,
    On boiled beef and carrots.

  2. More laugh-out-loud stuff!

    Or do I mean weeping at the truth laid bare? Dammo! I'll have to go and check.