Sunday, 22 November 2009

A visit from the doctor - Dr. William Dembskijones.

Beneath the sheets of Cnwch-y-craig, above the mattress of Llangoedmawr, west of the stain of Bryn-y-mynach, the Discovering Institute lies continually, and therefrom today we reap a very special and important thinker-harvest - the pioneer scout ranger master debater of the local no-IDer movement, extinguished feelogian and mathemagician, Dr. William Dembskijones. Dr. William Dembskijones began life as a fully-formed adult. One thing he certainly did not do is grow gradually from less complex beginnings. He struggled for quite a while to get a job at our very own Glanwern college, being rejected at first, but in the end after years of trying, he finally failed. However, like a catbutnotliketoast he certainly somehow landed the right way up on his feet and smelling of rosehips and now drives a P reg Ford Escort Ghia Deluxe Sedan. Where did I go wrong?

Now today is even the more exciting for the introduction of our new interactive electric text phone live debate chat feature. Listeners and readers alike will be enabled to - if Sioned has it right - submit their own questions to Dr. Dembskijones from their MPpodplayers. This is a first for Llanfihangel-y-Creuddun, and almost certainly a last too as Glenys the baps says the text-mast makes her children eat cheese erratically, and she wields a certain influence over Councillor Phillips. What's that Sioned? Two influences? Beth? Never mind....

REJ:- Dr. Dembskijones! A very warm Llanfihangel-y-creuddun croeso to you indeed!

WD:- Thankyou very much.

REJ:- Now Dr. Dembskijones - before we go to the text lines - could you just quickly explain to us what exactly a mathemagician is?

WD:- Certainly Richard. A mathemagician is an expert in a very special variant of the discipline known as mathematics. I like to call what I do Mathemagics -

REJ:- Mathemagics?

WD:- Yes Mathemagics. Don't be embarassed - I often have to explain. Basically Mathemagics is mathematics that noone else can follow, that noone else can see -

REJ:- You mean like invisible?

WD:- Yes! That's it! Oh you're much quicker than that Shallit fool! Yes I'll give you an example:- What is 1 divided by 3?

REJ:- I'm afraid I don't have my difference engine in this room -

WD:- *whisper* say 'a third!' -

REJ:- *whisper* a third! -

WD:- Pardon?

REJ:- A third! Is it a third?


REJ:- But you said -

WD:- Wrong! one point to me! You gave the typical blinkered answer propagandised so successfully by the mathematics community. 1 divided by 3 is 1.

REJ:- I did? is?.....wha -

WD:- In Mathemagics 1 divided by 3 is 1 - You know - like three persons but one essence. Now in information theory, specified complexity -

REJ:- Yes. Indeed. No - what? er - I think we'd best be getting along to those text lines...SIONED! - IS IT WORKING?



Sioned:- WHAT?

REJ:- Hang on a minute....I know! TEXT THEM THROUGH TO MY PHONE!

WD:- Hum te hum....dum de dum....Jerry Coyne is Herman Munster...tee de ho...

REJ:- That's it Willie! Singsong while we're waiting...I'll just stand on one leg by the window to get a signal......*Beep!* Oooh! got one! Ready?

WD:- Ready!

REJ:- William Dembskijones....Would you like a competitive cash loan? refused elsewhere? credit history no problem...Oh -

WD:- Well Richard, I've gotten used to this kind of vitriolic personal attack from the neo-Darwinist fascists, but the short answer is no, I don't think it's a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment to the U.S. constitution.

REJ:- Er - yes - let's have another one...Here's one from Sir Allan of W:- Dear William Dembskijones, in the Kitzmiller vs Dover area school trial, Judge John Jones - no relation! -

WD:- No species are related! -

REJ:- er...Judge John Jones wrote 139 pages saying you were wrong. What do you say to this?

WD:- Well Richard you may know I invented amongst other things, the law of conservation of information. This is an absolute, unbreakable law - and I should know because I'm the one that made it up. So basically, no! he didn't. There is no way that more than one page of information could have been written.

REJ:- Is that true?

WD:- I cannot lie.

REJ:- Well what did the Judge say when you told him that?

WD:- Unfortunately I could't be there to crush him with my superior intellect as a Darwinist saboteur had turned my satnav upside down, and the law of upsidedownsatnavs states quite clearly -

REJ:- Let's take another one! Oooh! One from Dr.Laurie Fraser of Buggermaroo university, luckyland. 'Dear William Dembskijones, How many Intelligent Design papers published for peer-review have there been to date? You lot are nothing but...- er yes that's the end of the question -

WD:- Well that's an easy one. The answer's zero!

REJ:- Zero? Hang on a mathemagics zero is really lots yes?

WD:- No. It's zero Richard - that's why it's called zero -

REJ:- But -

WD:- This is another common misconception, Richard - don't feel that you are alone! The law of conservationofpeerreview clearly states that without exception, if there is an exception, then that exception is excepted. Now as an - if I may be so modest - exceptional person of great and crucial insight, I am indeed peerless. And so peer review is impossible. Well I do have one peer actually - onethree peers...

REJ:- You mean God?!

WD:- Not necessarily God! I didn't say that! It could be aliens. But yes, God.

REJ:- Hmmmm. Well we've one more text - the interest has been underwhelming. It's from Polygenetomathic pyrobrum Dr. Steve 'the hat' Zara, and he's texted the rather cryptogrammic 'Ha ha ha! Bee Hee Hee! Irreducible Com-plex-it-y!' - does that mean anything to you?

WD:- Indeed it does. It means I am right. When opponents stoop to such childish mockery I think their argument is lost for all to see. He probably looks like Herman Munster. With a hat. I bet he's flatulent too like that 'Judge'. There's only one that can judge me, Richard. I think I'll do a cartoon for my blog. And troll some Darwinismist sites. And -

REJ:- Careful Dembskijones! Watch out for that wedge! Don't step -

WD:- Wha wha - What wedge? There's no wedge! What do you mean? -

REJ:- Oh that was little Ethan Emmanuel Jones! Quite the mischief maker! He took apart the mousetraps we set for a certain biscuit burglar - and do you know what? He's made 7 of incrementally increasing complexity - that's what he said - Look! that one's just the snappy bit -

WD:- Well, forgive me if I correct the little....person, but the law of unincrementallyincreasingcomplexitymousetraps clearly states - *SNAP!!!* JESUS H CHRIST!!! the little fucker! I'll have him!!! I made up a law! a fucking law! Not a guideline! My toes! my toes!...etc


  1. Buggermaroo University - Bendi, your jokes never cease to make me laugh and giggle in the office when I read them, people here need to think I am working dammit!

    Great post indeed!

  2. Hello and thankyou Philip1978 for enjoying the docuscription. Sioned says every side can be bought with two coins and in the balance of interests I must enpostulate Dr. Behe hee's response from the Discovering institute, which Nostradamussly he foreoffered in the bimillenium just passed:-

  3. I missed this one before - just catching up and it's perfect fun! How to de-bunk the rubbish and keep laughing.