Sunday, 15 August 2010

Adolf Eichmann, Dame Julie of Andrews, and The Promised Land

Now as Sioned lay easy under the apple bough, stoned first - in contrast to the muslim way - I saw my window to notputthosebloodyshelvesupagain and rather wikipants the silly made-up country that of Israel. I-wouldn't-start-from-here-Israel has enjoyed a short but exciting history, and is blessed by God to be situated atop vast natural resources of American wealth. But how did this happy tale begin in the beginning? Well the first three letters are ABC doh-ray-me and A is for Adolf. Adolf Eichmann! Croeso i LLanfihangel-y-Creuddun! -

AE:- Fuhrer in Himmel! Ze line you are vanting ist 'Lets start at the very beginning, a zehr gut place to start'. Sipsidumnkopf! -

REJ:- We'll see about that my duck-stepping friend! For in my!...I have nun-other than Dame Julie of Andrews! - for some reason I haven't thought of yet, curiously transhrunken to the form and size of a fliederhausmaus -

DJA:- Da-Da! - *flap! flap! flap!* -

REJ:- Oooh! that entrance worked better than even I had dared hope! -

AE:- Vot ist this?! Ein flippen-flappen batten mit die tiny hausmaus-bappen?! Herr Richard! - Ich haben ein zehr gut sense of humours...aber this ist ein new one on me. You play ze little joke mit me ya? - Der Fuhrer vas always ze playing of ze little jokes -

REJ:- No joke, SS-Obersturmbannf├╝hrer! Dame Julie of Andrews has been hiding in my pants-drawer for just this kind of musical lyrical adjudicational eventuality. And to keep the moths down -

AE:- Aha! - So there vas a reason!!!. Sie will find wir getten on much better mit ze cooperation. Ve have ways of making you -

DJA:- Eichmann! Put that potato-peeler down at once! -

AE:- Pardon Nanny Poppins? -

DJA:- Sorry - Put zat potato-peeler down schnell! -

AE:- Ach! - just ein tinybischen lampenshaden -

DJA:- Nein!.

AE:- *sulk!* -

DJA:- Gut SS-Obersturmbannf├╝hrer! *pat!* - Now perhaps this spoon full of sugar will were right! - *sings!* - 'Let's start at the very beginnnnninnnng! - a zehr gut place to staaaaaart!' -

AE:- Victory is mine!!! - take that TommyJones-Welshlander! *sings!* - 'Kein Velt Vars aber drei Velt cups! - doo dah...doo dah! - Kein Velt Vars aber drei Velt cups...'-

REJ:- 1954. We qualified. Nawrte Adolf! Du hast won dim ond the battle, nicht yr ryfel. And so I ask, gyda a gladsome mind, just beth sy wedi happened yn 1937?

AE:- Ach ya! 1937! Ich had a dream. That ein day ze Judenmensch vould reach ze Promised Land! Ze Judenmensch problem -

REJ:- Vot Vas ze Judenmensch problem? -

AE:- Ein joke, yes nein? -

REJ:- Kein Judenmensch here so du will hast to say me -

AE:- Die Judenmensch passen die exams at school und make me look ein thicky. Und die Judenmensch macht gut at ze mechanics und make me look ein thicky again. Und ven I had zat next job arbeiting at ze mining company Ich failed number drei! - aber not because Ich war ein thicky - Nein! - Es was die Judenmensch! -

REJ:- Bastards! - and they do have big noses -

AE:- Ya! Ya! - Ve did ze French gut too ya? -

REJ:- For a while...nawrte! - Ble did you get the promised land idea from? -

AE:- Es ist in der magic book! 'Moses Kampf'. Aber Ich jazzed it up ein bit. Plan A was Ich putten all ze Judenmensch in Palestine. So Ich flew out there und said how it vas ein zehr gut idea. Aber the British said it vas silly. Nein! they said. Es ist ein silly idea. Und du bist being ein thicky again -

REJ:- Und what was plan B? -

AE:- Plan B was to send them all to the promised land also -

REJ:- Well there's lovely! They must have been so grateful -

AE:- Du would think so. Aber they hanged me. Spielberg owes me a million too. Ich always gettens kein credit for mein szuper ideas -

REJ:- If only your dream had come true! The Judenmensch living happily all together in sunny Palestine! -

AE:- Ya, ya...Ich had even written down how zay could take ze lebensraum und killen ze neighbours at 10:1 - like when ve occupied ze countries on ze Fuhrer's Velt tour -

REJ:- Oh but you could never have got them to do that! -

AE:- Nein. This time I really vas being ein thicky. Zay have no sense of irony.


  1. This is a one off. Totally irreverent as ever but takes accurate hits against the banality of evil and doesn't let anyone off the hook. Ironically and wickedly funny.

  2. Ooh, I think she likes you, REJ!