Countdown to Charlton Heston

...Twenty-five plus six....divide by three...carry the one....times seventy-five...

*dada-dada-da-da-da-dah...doo!*

...take away the four...er...Diawl!

*'click!' - pause*

...add the seven....divide by...Aw dammit! - bloody stupid videogram recorder! Now Vorderman's all jiggling and I can't concentrate...

*'click!' - rewind*

*whir!*

*'click!' - play*

'Two big ones from your top row please Carol!' - hahaha! - if she played her cards right...Oooh! Sioned! you mustn't creep up on me like that! I was just -

SIONED:- Practising your sums...yes I know...and it's not the same without Richard Whiteley...

REJ:- It's not the same! -

SIONED:- And being naked helps cool your head so -

REJ:- So I'm better at the sums! Yes - we've been through all this...hang on a minute...I can't feel anything...aren't you going to sosban me?

SIONED:- Sosban yourself! Rwy'n mynd i gwely.

REJ:- Duw, duw! - are you alright love? - you look like you've sat on a thistle. Would you eisiau a cwpaned o te? -

SIONED:- There's no milk. Nos da!

*slam*

REJ:- Wel, wel, boys bach - that wasn't a proper SLAM at all! - and she's gone to bed at chwech o'r gloch! Mysterious girl indeed - Peter Andre is a prophet no less. I'd best fetch my portable digital radio to drown out the sobbing...*click*...*click*....*click*....Iesu mawr! someone's nicked the batteries eto!- SIONED! - have you been pinching my batteries again? -

SIONED:- DON'T COME IN!!! -

REJ:- Hmmmm...Never mind. Now today's excitement - and you can almost hear the buzz - is wholly if not all down to our very special guest Charlton Heston RIP. Born Ben Cid Moses, Charlton Heston RIP is perhaps best known for his role alongside Martin Lutherking in America's civil rights movement, his support for President Johnson's Gun Control Act of 1968, his opposition to the Vietnam war, being a staunch supporter of the Democrat party and getting Alzheimer's and fucking it all up. - Charlton Heston RIP! - Croeso!, and diolch for making such a difficult journey. It must have been exhuming. Now - first I would like to ask you just exactly why you changed your name -

CH:- Well I died Richard - it was out of my hands really. I rather like the RIP anyway, it adds gravitas I think -

REJ:- It does! - let me just put this bucket by you...there! - *plop* - Oooh! gwych! I'd like to see the pysgodyn that could resist that one! - nawrte...when you went insane in 1998 and became president of the NRA did you have any idea just how successful your tendancy would be? -

CH:- No Richard, in all honesty I didn't. I thought it would just be a bit of a laugh really to begin with - the films had dried up - God hadn't written any new commandments, monkeys looked unlikely to take over planets, chariots went out of fashion - there just weren't the roles for me anymore.

REJ:- And yet people took you seriously! -

*plop*

CH:- They did! - and no-one was more surprised than me, I can tell you. It was a great gig - very few lines to learn - in fact I only needed to say 'constitution' and people did what I said! - it's just a piece of paper Richard! -

REJ:- hahaha! -

CH:- hahaha! - sometimes I think we should have had a more sensible system - you know - a monarch appointed by God or something -

REJ:- er...perhaps think again Charlton, that could be the rot talking -

*plop*...*plop*

CH:- It's cold, Richard....so cold....and dark!....dark and wet....the earth...

REJ:- Are you alright? - you don't look well...

CH:- Fine! perfectly fine, Richard. It's just I haven't been feeling myself lately -

REJ:- Well you've got to keep the pipes clean! - now Sioned was very excited to hear you'd be coming - that is until she went to bed - and she looked up the US justice dept official figures and found that last year Americans killed four of their own children per day. 'Show him that!' she said, doing that thing she does with her eyes -

CH:- What thing? -

REJ:- Sort of like this...*twitch* -

CH:- You mean this?...*twii - plop!* -

REJ:- Don't worry - you've still got the other one! -

CH:- I hope I don't sneeze...Yes! I think it's three or four 9-11s worth since...what was that date? -

REJ:- 9-11!

CH:- That's the one! - it's the Alzheimer's you see...that and the maggots -

*plop*

REJ:- bless you! -

CH:- Thanks! Yes, Sioned's right. But I can't take all the credit for that - it looks impressive on paper, but it's only twice the British rate pro rata. -

REJ:- You don't see that on the newyddion! - Latin -

CH:- No, you don't, Richard. Luckily the news is edited for us. I don't have the internet at my current address, but I did hear down the ether that you limeys pop off 80 kids a year. You must be fit that's all I can say - guns much easier -

REJ:- Guns don't kill people - bullets do! hahaha! -

CH:- hahaha! - but seriously, the main advantage with guns is you can do it quickly - before you change your mind. Sort of like texting - there's many texts people wouldn't send if they thought about it a bit longer...just a few seconds! -

REJ:- Got to strike while the iron's hot as it were! -

CH:- Yes...actually Richard, now I really don't feel well...not well at all....something's not right...

*plop...plop*

REJ:- What is it? - you're very pale...and fluid -

CH:- It was when we were laughing just then...something....it didn't seem funny anymore...I feel....restless....I....don't want to go...want to come back....do things differently....I....help me Richard!....help me!....please you've got to...hel...

*plopopopopopopopooooooopppppooooopppoooppppp!*

REJ:- SIONED! I'm going fishing!