Saturday, 7 August 2010

Dr. Venternstein and the gay tomatoes

Last night I dreamt I went to Mandelson again. Eyes of Caligula, mouth of Monroe, hairbrush of Heseltine, brain of Bush, sincerity of Blair....we have all dreamed of creating the perfect politician. But could our dreams ever become reality in reality? And could those dreams that had become reality in reality ever become nightmares? Or just go wrong a bit? Could politics ever stray from the path of righteousness to take a more sinister turn? Could people with beards, perhaps called names like Cook, or Kelly, ever find themselves unexpectedly dead for only innocent accidental reasons? - due to some sort of genetically engineered pogonophobic super-virus unrelated to adventures in Iraq? I don't think so, because I'm not a fruitcake in a labcoat...but my next guest is! - Dr. Craig Venternstein! -

CV:- Hello!

REJ:- Hello.

CV:- Hello?

REJ:- Hello. - Formalities over! - Now, Dr. Venternstein, you enfamously didn't finish sequencing the human genome months before that Collins fellow didn't finish it either. Did you bother in the end or did you say 'stick' rather than 'twist' at 90%? -

CV:- We agreed on 'stick' Richard, - do you know how boring it is? just millions and millions of the same thing jumbled up here and there - half of it nonsense...I doubt there's anything important in that 10% -

REJ:- Not worth looking really -

CV:- No, probably not.

REJ:- You got most of it done -

CV:- Yes, most of one person.

REJ:- Well, 'job done' then! -

CV:- Near enough. It is 2 billion base pairs long, Richard....or is it 3? - I can never remember - Igor does all the counting stuff -

REJ:- Really? Wow! - that's almost half as long as a locust's! -

CV:- Well locusts are very's not a silly system at all. Yes, the human genome is so long that it would take a person 2 centuries just to read it. Or is it 3? -

REJ:- And you say you've read 90% of it? -

CV:- Correct.

REJ:- This chair is rather uncomfortable! - for my back! see...yes! - I'd better pop myself down on the sofa over the mirror. It's a lovely mirror isn't it? -

CV:- Yes, delightful -

REJ:- Would you like a closer look - the detail in the frame...

CV:- I'm sure it's fascinating -

REJ:- It really is worth getting up and taking a peek at...for the frame....and the way it is a very interesting nail -

CV:- I'll take your word for it, Richard -

REJ:- Well if you like I could bring it over -

CV:- There's really no need -

REJ:- No! - no need at all!'s just...the -

CV:- The frame yes. Perhaps on the way out. Now, we weren't here to talk about mirrors were we Richard?! - we were here, and indeed still even may be, to reflect upon the wonders of genetical engineerings and my bank account -

REJ:- Indeed we were isn't it don't you yes lovely tidy. And Glyn-the-milk has some very strong views on this matter I can tell you. Since I know him. And he told me. I'll be seeing him later as it happens....once I've checked the sentencing tariffs - he says milk from a cloned cow got into the SPAR on West Street last week, and somethingmustbedone! -

CV:- That is terrible news Richard! We don't want exactly the same milk on our supermarket shelves! I'm afraid, once more, this proves science can be used for evil as well as good, and there is always grave danger inherent in meddling with powers beyond stupid people's comprehension. Although technically the milk would only be similar...not exactly the same. -

REJ:- Well similar is bad enough surely? -

CV:- It does sound irresponsible, yes. -

REJ:- Nawrte, there's someone else I know who has strong opinions too...she's small, she's round, she'll do it for a pound...yes! it's Sioned! Sioned said - when we were still talking that is - that you should stop being a twpsyn and do something useful for once. She said - and I'm trying to keep a straight face! - she said why can't he make something that eats Carbon Dioxide and poos Methane thus simultaneously giving us limitless energy and solving global warming and bla-di-bla...crops that feed the world...biological immortality....bla...bla...something else - I missed the rest of it as Shane Williams scored one of his wonder-tries and I had to do my celebration dance. Would you like to see it? - it goes like this:-


'Ole!, Ole! - Our Shane's gone all the way! - now sing the song, the rumour's wrong, great players can't be gay!'


CV:- Gervais must be so proud. Yes Richard, I've come across people like your Sioned before -

REJ:- Not going to say it.

CV:- In the geneticist fraternity, this is known as 'double-X' thinking. Pure fantasy. The danger is such femi-flights-of-fancy are picked up by the media and blown out of all proportion. I just wish they would concentrate on the serious side for once. Like my work on luminous penises. -

REJ:- Luminous penises? -

CV:- Yes, transgenic todgers. By taking the appropriate genetic material from the jellyfish glowius globulous and inserting them into human embryos with a turkey baster - or whatever Igor does with the dungeon-ladies - I have been able to create the solution to lightbulbless nocturnal urination. Great for hitchhiking too. -

REJ:- Well duw! duw!, that never made it into the 'Rhayader and District Advertiser'. As you say, it's always amputee limb regrowth or cures for cancer and Alzheimers and never the serious stuff like ear-mice.

CV:- All those medical breakthroughs you keep hearing about are just scaremongering to sell newspapers, Richard. Don't be taken in! - Now about the gay tomatoes -

REJ:- Yes! the gay tomatoes....please explain! -

CV:- I was inspired by the late great mathematician, Alan Turingtest. Alan was very good at sums when he was alive - not so much now, - so good in fact that he could even do sums in German. -

REJ:- Goodness Iesu-mawr me! that is clever -

CV:- Indeed it was. But Alan Turingtest had a dark and sinister secret too...that only he and some very special friends knew...he was...a GAYER! -

REJ:- *Gasp!* -

CV:- I know. However, the disgusting pervert was extremely fortunate to be living in a time of hugely tolerant liberal attitudes and was spared the noose he deserved - providing he agreed to win the war and be turned into a woman. Like he was really.

REJ:- It's values like that we were fighting for! -

CV:- God bless the Queen! Back then though, transfeminisation technology was in it's infancy. The methods by which his liberation was attempted went sadly wrong, and he topped himself when only part-hooterised...

REJ:- Siomedig iawn! - She would have been so happy...

CV:- Undoubtedly. And so began my epic quest to seek a more genetical cure for the gaiety affliction. But first I had to understand. I had to understand just what would make tomatoes gay. As you couldn't be bothered to finish that OU Genetics SK589 course you started, and don't feel like looking up how it's done, I decided to do it Mendelian fashion - sort of more 'O' level like where you're at. -

REJ:- I'm straight back in 1987! - Arthur Williams Biology saying 'Canaliculi' and the girls at the back saying 'yesucanuli' - happy days! -

CV:- Whatever. - Yes, Mendelian fashion. I started selecting for tomatoes that were slightly nicer-looking, and kept their plant-pots tidier...grew sturdier listening to the Pet shop boys - that sort of thing -

REJ:- And did it work? -

CV:- Not quite! I only succeeded in making stereotypical gay tomatoes. And half-gay tomatoes. And I have my suspicions about some of the normal-looking ones too. It turns out to be more complicated than I had first thought. It's very hard to catch them at it too - my hypothesis that there would be pan-greenhouse toga-orgies on poppers 24-7 has not turned out to be true. That's only on fridays. They do smell nice though...mmmm!...lovely peachy curvy juicy-ripe...

REJ:- I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Some of my best friends know tomatoes, but there is a limit. I will not have tomatoes forced down my throat! Good day!


  1. I will not have tomatoes forced down my throat!

    Arh yes, it is generally only when personal likes and dislikes come to the fore that condemnation of the 'unnatural' occurs. Good point :)

  2. Typical! Its always those who protest the loudest. Dreaming of the Dark (well orangey) Lord Mandleson is a bit of a giveaway, Richard. Besides Sioned told me you were always rather partial to a little salad cream on the side...