The A-maze-in Randy

Nawrte, it's very easy to crucify 1/3rd of oneself, albeit ridiculous, but visibly-bearded homosexuellist paranormal 'investigator', Jim Randy, fancies he can do better than the Queer-fearing Almighty, with the aid of a certain befuddled, broken old Mosaic. Croeso i Llanfihangel-y-Creuddun, Jim Randy! -

JR:- Hi gang -

REJ:- Ho de ho. First up, your protuberance has not escaped my slight taff hand -

JR:- You mean, what's up my wizard's sleeve? -

REJ:- I'm not sure -

JR:- Well, stick your arm in, don't be shy, rummage around -

REJ:- I'm a celebrity -

JR:- You know you want to, why deny it? -

REJ:- Sioned says -

JR:- Sioned's not here -

REJ:- Wel, as long as my friends don't find out...

*Rummage!...Pop!*

UG:- Hello! It's me, Urrrri Geller, with my magic powerrrrrs.

REJ:- Can I have another go? -

JR:- The first time's often disappointing -

UG:- I am great friend Michael Jackson - *Ooof!*

REJ:- He doesn't seem to fit back in -

JR:- Grease him up. Sometimes they get bigger when they're out -

UG:- I am great friend libel lawyer -

REJ:- Anything up the other one? -

JR:- Er...I've only got the one, Richard. But have a try anyway -

UG:- Don't ask me to make the tea. Not with my magic powerrrrrrs -

REJ:- Ok lets nail him up -

JR:- Now, in here, Richard, are some very special 'miracle-proof' nails. They have been independently checked by God, and kept in this secret safe, the key to which has, for some slightly superfluous reason, been increted about my person -

REJ:- What do you mean, 'increted'? -

JR:- Er...

UG:- Don't ask me to wind your watch. Not with my magic powerrrrrs -

REJ:- Ten to be sure then -

JR:- Hey, I can still touch my toes! - Reach for the star! -

*Poppppopp...pop!*

REJ:- Bless you -

JR:- There's a hammer too -

REJ:- ffs.

UG:- I can make you think of a house, with smoke coming out of the chimney. With my magic pow -

REJ:- Right! In we go! -

*Pop!*

JR:- Or you could just use yours on the shelf there -

UG:- Don't put your tools in my hands. Not with my -

REJ:- Ok let's do him -

JR:- O...kay...

REJ:- No! Nail the fucker up! Jesus Christ, Randy! You haven't made it long enough. Don't you come prepared? When I was in the local scouts -

UG:- You know when that ball missed a penalty. That was me. Using my -

JR:- Try it upside down. Sometimes it works better the wrong way -

REJ: Look, lets just use the table -

UG:- Is it a metal table? Only -

JR:- Just ram it in the hole, I'll try and grip it, then we'll see if we can't stick it up a few more inches -

UG:- I can tell if there's water in your taps. Sometimes. You see I use my -

REJ:- These bics will have to do for a crown of thorns -

JR:- I think there might be a staple gun in there. I was having some builders in, and -

UG:- I can call for world peace. Using my magic powerrrrr -

REJ:- Fuck it! The holes don't line up. I'll get my podger out -

JR:- Go for it Richard! We're nearly there! -

UG:- *aiiiieee!.....bang!......OOOOOoaaaYYYY!!!*

JR:- Few more bangs -

REJ:- Much harder than I thought it would be -

JR:- Faster! Faster! Give it the big one! -

REJ:- Phil Bennett...Oh that's beautiful!....Gerald Davies....what was he doing there?.....Gareth Edwards!....Edwards is going in!.....What a score!!! -

JR:- If the greatest writer of the written word -

UG:- *Bend!!!.....Drop!.....Hee Hee!.....Scarper!*

REJ:- Wtf????!!!! -

UG:- You can't catch me! Not with my magic pow....errrrr....rrrr....rrrrrrs!!! -

JR:- Iesu Mawr! He really was a bigger bender than Jesus after all -

REJ:- Hairy nun's bollocks -

JR:- Fuck that's cost me a million. Bugger. -

REJ:- Ok, may as well. But please, watch your language.