Thursday, 24 November 2011

It's a wonderful eternal life

JC:- Hello! I mean, knock knock! -

Sioned:- Oh it's you. The local epoch's fantasy pin-up. Wel, the idiot's in there -

REJ:- Yes? -

JC:- It's me! -

REJ:- I thought I was me? -

JC:- No it's definitely me that's me. And him. And the other one. -

REJ:- Your English is very good -

JC:- Oh, that's a relief. I was worried it might come out like gibberish -

REJ:- I feel we're kindred spirits -

VOICE:- That's it boyo! - You've made the connection! We'll get her later. Childbirth or something. Nawrte, do the spiel like what I said, isn't it? -

JC:- Oooh! He doesn't third get on my tits! I wish I'd stop interrupting -

REJ:- Free presciptions here. They're a bit slow over the dyke -

JC:- Now where was I? Oh yes, everywhere -

REJ:- Hard to get lost -

JC:- Just let me do the pitch! Would you like to buy some moreexpensivethanBookers crisps? -

REJ:- No, you've mixed us up again -

VOICE:- It's 'You would like!'...'You would like to buy some -

REJ:- Christ! He's a shit isn't he? That bit's supposed to be a secret -

JC:- He makes me cross -

VOICE:- Diawl Yffern!!! Millennium on millennium figures are -

REJ:- I had one like that -

JC:- What did you do? -

REJ:- I got fired -

JC:- Now who's getting mixed up? -

VOICE:- Iesu Mawr!!! I wish I didn't have to watch -

JC:- It's so depressing. He knows where I am, what I'm doing, every minute of the fucking day. Keeps asking how it's going - as if he couldn't guess - pretending to be my friend -

REJ:- Let me just get my 'who's who' -

VOICE:- Ooooh! Hark at them! What is it now? It couldn't be a complaint could it?! I wonder if it's a complaint? Oh I do like complaints! I was only just thinking, what I could do with right now, right then, right throughout all fucking history, all fucking future, all fucking eternity, is another fucking complaint!!! Wouldn't that just be fucking perfect?! I don't know why I -

Gabriel:- Sir!, Sir!, your wrathometer! -

VOICE:- Fucking statues!!! I told them about the fucking statues!!! Whose do they think the tears are?! -

Gabriel:- Lambs! little lambs! think of the lambs! reclaim the locust of control! perhaps a little miracle...

VOICE:- A FUCKING MIRACLE!!! ANOTHER FUCKING MIRACLE!!! A billion billion fucking whatever billion stars all juggled perfectly for whatever fucking billion years, and one piss-dribbling tiny fumble over fucknowhere land and what do they remember? What do they fucking remember Gabriel? -

Gabriel:- I'm sure I don't recall, Sir, perhaps if Sir watched these cripples dying on the way to Lourdes -

VOICE:- Fucking Portuguese fucking peasants!!! Who made them thick as shit? In whose image? Who in heaven's name -

JC:- Oooh look out! I'm off on one -

REJ:- It can't be easy. Perhaps you're under pressure from higher up -

JC:- Look let's just get this over with. As long as I do the pitch I can pray in the figures later and make something up -

VOICE:- Oh! They're going to fucking trick me! I've just no idea what they could be planning! There's just no way I can tell! 5 thousand million fucking years in advance! It's fucking Pascal all over again. I fucking despair -

Gabriel:- A little plague....a touch of the cancer....You'll feel know you'll feel better -

VOICE:- You can can it too fairy wings! What do you think you need fucking wings for? There's no fucking atmosphere! I'm surrounded by hand-picked -

Gabriel:- Well they go with the dress - you see if one accessorises correctly, one creates a certain impression. And of course, - ahem! - every time a bell rings -

VOICE:- The other guy gets Murdoch. I get Gok fucking Wan Kanobi -

Gabriel:- Oh, well done sir. Lovely break of the third wall. Seamless -

JC:- Oh dear. Well, hurrying along, going forward, out of the blue sky, -

REJ:- Thinking the unthinkable -

JC:- Oh, you had the meetings too -

REJ:- Would you like some eternal torture? -

JC:- What? Are you mad? Oh I see! A prompt. Thanks. Start again. Would you like some eternal torture? -

REJ:- Yes please -

JC:- No!!! You're not meant to say that! At the meeting -

REJ:- Wel I was just trying to speed things up -

JC:- I lose my place if you don't do the script -

REJ:- You've got the manual there -

JC:- Let's see...Would you like me to torture your children? -

REJ:- long will you be wanting them for? Only it's Nina and the neurones in ten minutes -

JC:- Can't you just watch it without them? -

REJ:- It's best to have an excuse -

JC:- Well, would you like me, or one of my representatives, to relieve you of all your possessions? -

REJ:- er...let me see -

VOICE:- He's doing all the fucktarded wanky ones!!! Gabriel! He's doing all the ridiculous ones! -

Gabriel:- the manual Sir, maybe -

VOICE:- WHHH---AAAA----TTT???!!! Did I or did I not instruct the scribes to take out all the piss-dribbling wanky ones, and just leave in the reasonable plagiarised ones? Gabriel! -

Gabriel:-'ve got to go toilet -

VOICE:- You haven't got an arse! Gabriel! Get over here. Look into my invisible eyes. You're thinking something aren't you? -

Gabriel:- I'm....considering the lilies -

VOICE:- I can read your mind you gurning imbecile! 'Why didn't I write it myself?' Sound familiar? Heard it before anywhere? 'Ring a bell' does it?!
I do tablets. Stone! I write on stone. Not fucking papyrus. I write on rocks with fucking lightning! Isn't that good enough for them?

Gabriel:- I'm sure I don't know, Sir, if Sir perhaps dreamt up a new that tortured children....

VOICE:- Write this down Gabriel. 'Suicide is no longer a sin' -

Gabriel:- *scribble!* er...forgive me, but is this wise, your trajesty, only when they pop themselves off -

VOICE:- Fuck! I just can't win can I? I wish I'd never been conceived -

Clarence:- Oh!, but you mustn't be talking like that! Wait a minute....ah, yes! Good idea. Now listen, God, you've really been given an incredible gift. I'm going to show you what it would be like if you'd never been conceived....

*'dream' sequence*

VOICE:- Clarence! Clarence! Help me Clarence! I don't care who you are, or how you do these things.....just get me back! Take me back to my plagues and hellfire! I wanna kill again! Please Clarence! I wanna kill again...Let me kill again.


  1. The Ghost of Christmas Present24 November 2011 at 14:58

    You bastard, I hate you. Why oh why oh why etc.

  2. Time to adjust the freemium settings again. Some of the humans have got hold of the cheat codes.

  3. It's wonderful - one of the best!!

  4. Pure, unadulterated genius! Sob... you fucking bastatatatard! And I know you whip these off in ten minutes.

  5. A girl who was one of a kind
    Thought she needed a way to unwind
    She discovered a trick
    To hook up to some Dick
    Now she feels like she's losing her mind