Tuesday, 27 October 2009

The Parch. and the fine-tuner

The tumescent priapic minds of Dr. Oyster Elgaroy (Norwegian spruce historical skyropractor) and Dr. Steve Zara-pearl (behatted polygenetomathic homosexuellist) float precariously within semi-permeable prophylactic head-bones. Rubbing together like a Venn Diagram mindgasm they ejaculate solutions to the mysteries of the universe:-


Y Parch. Owen hosan hir tells me they are both going to hell for eternity, Zara a bit longer - because - you know.

REJ:- Well Parch., very kind of you to come.. May I ask what is your opinion of this most splendid docuscription?

OHH:- My opinion is that I haven't read it.

REJ:- Neither have I. But what do you think about what it says?

OHH:- Ah! In this I am assuredly certain. It is twice wrong. Once in fact and once in sin. And I'm afraid two wrongs don't make a right. Jesus said that.

REJ:- Yes he did. So we are quite clear then, the universe is fine-tuned for life, and there is therefore a fine-tuner. Probably God.

OHH:- Well yes! Certainly God! That follows logically. Emmanuel Jones......I know that name from somewhere....

REJ:- It's mine.

OHH:- Is it? Duw! you were older when I buried you.

REJ:- That was my father. Now Parch. Owen, please explain for the benefit of the heathen hell-bound just how we know the universe is fine-tuned.

OHH:- Mrs Hosan hir's Sunday lunch!

REJ:- I beg your pardon me?

OHH:- Mrs Hosan hir's Sunday lunch. You see there is a certain number of calories required for living a live life. And that number is not known exactly, but it certainly is a number. Or one of a few numbers. Are you with me?

REJ:- I can hear the cries of the heathens already.

OHH:- True wisdom resides in one who can see the Almighty in one of Mrs Hosan hir's Sunday lunches. The pork chop, the potatoes, the peas, the gravy, the -

REJ:- Yes I can read the stains on your vestments -

OHH:- Now Emmanuel Jones bach! What do you think of this? What if each of those delicious bitements was in fact one of the fundamental constants of the universe! Eh?! What about that then?!

You see why I'm dribbling now don't you?!

REJ:- I see the dribble...

OHH:- Imagine if Rabbi Goldberg's pork crackling was the cosmological constant! You see it now don't you?!

REJ:- I see you're crackling.

OHH:- Concentrate Emmanuel Jones bach! Concentrate! The Almighty is about to reveal himself! On your knees boy! The Almighty is about to reveal himself through I, Parch Hosan hir! Imagine if Rabbi Goldberg's pork crackling was but 1 fourskinth of a mm less! Just 1 fourskinth!!! Do the equation boy! The total calories of the lunch would be different! And possibly not suitable for living a live life! You see it now boy! You see it now don't you! Iesu Mawr! Hallelujah! Gott in Himmel! I have proved God! I, Owen Hosan Hir! -

REJ:- Quick! Sioned! His medicine!

Sioned:- He's drunk it all and the offy's closed!

REJ:- Aw Dammo! He'll eat the goldfish again! Sioned! You try talking to him! I'll get the heddlu.

OHH:- I'm Coming Jesus! Rwy'n caru tu! Just 1 fourskinth! Hallelujah! I've done it! Haha hell-bound heathens! And the baptists! -

Sioned:- Parch! Sense now Chwarae teg! What if there were more peas instead? That would compensate for the fourskinth of crackling surely?

OHH:- Sioned. Fuck off.

1 comment:

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