Thursday, 29 October 2009

Some complaints and an interview with God

Well diar diar! We've had a few complaints. Sioned says the electric text-phone is full to the sim-brim with helpful swearing and constructive death-threats. Duw, duw, beth sy wedi mynd yn wrong? Apparently a lot of you are owed money by Glyn the fags the radiographer, and you didn't think much of his poem, although it started off lovely and Tennyson. Also in extra, many persons have been overly upset by some misinterpretings of previous posts as being somehow ungodly and inblasphemous. There is only one way to make up for this, and I learnt it at the Pontypridd school of journalism. We must get the other side of the story so that balances are restored.

It is often said that one is closest to God in a morgue. The international embalming school of excellence award is no stranger to Abercreuddun. The funereal services parlour run and owned by Idris Williams - 'AberCadavers' has won the coveted title no less than three times, their closest rival being Andy Warhol who has the honorary title for achieving 100% chemical embalm-ment ten years prior to his death. Apprentice to the AberCadavers injector-general is a certain young Ethan Emmanuel Jones, aged 6. And Ethan has a special secret that only we all know:- He can talk to God! So now, in the balance of interest and fairyness, Ethan Emmanuel Jones asks the big G himself the questions we've all wanted to know, but were too afraid to ask. Or did ask but noone was in. Over to you Ethan bach!

EEJ:- Thanks Dad. Here's my report:-

We know what Richard Dawkins thinks of God, but what does God think of Richard Dawkins? In a rare interview via universal ether, I asked God what He thought about Life the Universe and Everything starting with His views on the celebrated atheist:-

'I find him impertinent and ungrateful in the extreme. I wish I hadn't made him like that in the first place. Inquisitive is one thing, but too many questions is just plain rude. At least that other fellow had the decency to grow a beard. But no, nothing's ever good enough for Dawkins - it's always 'badly designed this' and 'superfluous that'....well if Dawkins doesn't like his eyes wired back to front he can have some squid eyes I've got left over. Let's see him 'evolve' his way out of that.

Asked if Professor Hawking's work displeased Him, God replied 'Well he certainly doesn't help. That's another one who should stick to counting his blessings - think of the savings he's made on shoes alone. I can tell you he's laughably vague all the way back from the first nanoseconds to the absolute beginning. I'll put it this way - he's not getting up from that chair anytime soon'.

Of Adolf Hitler, God said 'Yes of course I've heard of him, I can speak German too you know. I'm God and I understand all languages, just like dogs'. Pressed further, He continued 'The lies, hate, genocide and the bit about eternal paradise were all a bit too familiar. That's plagiarism where I come from. We had words and eventually he changed the last bit to 'an empire that will last 1000 years' but I saw through that straightaway. He had to go - I had nowhere to put all the Jews. Thankfully someone else deals with the gays and gypsies' He added glancing downwards.

Asked why prayers never seemed to make any difference, God smiled and said 'I soon worked that one out. I get prayers all day and all night from all four corners of the world and overall they tend to pretty much cancel each other out. After a while I realised that if I stopped bothering and just ignored them, the net effect is much the same and I have more 'mysterious' time to myself'.

Finally, I asked the Almighty where He had come from and who had created Him. Here His mood swiftly changed. 'Listen sonny, that's one question too far. It's not my fault I made your brains too puny to work it out for yourselves. I've got a special place for people like you and you'll be there for a very long time. Eternity and then some. I'm God and I can be paradoxical if I want to.' With that He hung up.

God is author of 3 major books, the obscene cruelty of the natural world, and our planet's and universe's 'final solution'.

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