Saturday, 31 October 2009

Nos Calan Gaeaf and an interview with y Parch.

Well continuing our theme today - what was it Sioned? - Oh yes - was it? I'll dechrau eto. I see from the Gregorian clockwork calendar Phil the Rimmer kindly inventuallised for me that hasn't changed since this date last year that it is indeed today and half night Nos Calan Gaeaf, or as you cultural imperialist usurpers would have us say - All Halloween's evening. Tonight is the night the children of the gorsedd dress gaily and enskip the towns with a horse's skull astick beribboned Mari Lwyd. Or whatever it is they don't do anymore. I can't remember, but it was definitely better than the new things they do. And we had no sweets. There was a war on you know indeed don't you know isn't it? But is there more to this make-believe than pretend itself? Y Parch. Hosan Hir believes there very much is! He believes the Devil himself walks among us scaring drunks and devouring babies and the like. - What's that? - Yes he does Sioned! - He told me the other day! - He said if I were to say Diawl! Diawl! Diawl! the Devil himself would appear before me. - What? - Well it's 30 miles from Devil's Bridge so it should take half an.. - haha very funny. I've lost my thread now. Oh yes, Y Parch Hosan Hir is here with us heno to speak a little talk about the dangers of the occluded front.

REJ:- Parch! Ble wyt ti? Parch Hosan Hir! Sioned! Check the Talisker! Where's he gone now?

Sioned:- Beth? Speak up I'm in y gegin.



REJ:- Well boys bach what a twpsyn. Sioned! SIONED! check the....CHECK THE THERMOSTAT WOULD YOU LOVE? the hea...THE HEATING'S GONE FUNNY AGAIN!


REJ:- Well I'm very sorry seems tonight's interview is off - Wha - Wai - What! Mr Davies! Where did you come from? Owain Davies of Davies & Davies letting agents!

OD:- Hello Richard!

REJ:- er – Hello Owain. Um I seem to be in a bit of a fix if you know what I mean. I was going to talk about -

OD:- The dangers of the occult. The eternal battle between the profane and the sacred. The dark forces bey -

REJ:- the dark forces beyond the horizon of direct experience that control and enslave us -

OD:- You mean the English! Tee-hee! No I musn't stir things up, I really mustn't! But what a wit! You see how I had to say it don't you? Keep the fingers pointing the other way! Oh it really should be harder! - I couldn't do it on my own you know.

REJ:- er - yes. I'm sure you meant something. Now about this halloween stuff and nonsense isn't it. For some reason I suddenly think you have something to say on the mattress.

OD:- Tee-hee! Double-the-rent-keep-the-deposit-throw-the-kidsinthestreet! I can't stop these tics! Well yes Richard, I think it's all harmless fun really. I've never really got on with Y Parch. I heard he drinks too much - and there's not much worse than that is there?

REJ:- er - I suppose not now you tell me to think it. So all this evil walking amongst us nonsense is nonsense then is it?

OD:- Oh! Quite clearly! You've got it! I didn't realise you were so clever! tee-hee! monthinadvance-dontfixtheheating-mouldinthekidslungs-buytenmorehouses mmmnnnsk! tic! tic! Yes landlords and bankers are very poor Richard. I'm so glad you told me that! The government should give them more money I thought I heard you just say? Fifteen percent for me! tic! tic!

REJ:- Yes indeed Owain. Are you sure you're alright? Your eyes look a bit odd -

OD:- - We weren't looking this way were we Richard?!

REJ:- No indeed, please forgive me -

OD:- Tee-hee! - ask me something else! -

REJ:- I think I will indeed. But I'm having some trouble remembering. What was it - I had a point to make and it was so obvious -

OD:- Ignore the little voices Richard! Don't worry about -

REJ:- Ah yes! That was it! A lot of people say that when the Abercreuddun council estate was sold off and the 110 houses ended up owned by three people and the rents doubled and the families could be thrown on the streets with just three months notice -

OD:- Two I believe -

REJ:- With just two months notice - diolch - and the working poor families had in effect an extra 50% tax on their income but no security at all and the poorer poor families could be not even housed in the first place -

OD:- Or evicted! -

REJ:- And the three people got the money from the poor workers or from the government that once paid half as much and to itself instead of to the three people who did nothing -

OD:- they signed some papers! -

REJ:- they did nothing but sign some papers yes. And keep the money that could have gone to the Bronglais children's ward. Well a lot of people say that this is wrong.

OD:- Right!

REJ:- No, Wrong!

OD:- Yes Right! Wrong they are! We agree. A lot of people say that this is right. Things are much better for these worse off people. Do you watch the news Richard?

REJ:- er - I'm ashamed to say I don't have a TV at the moment -

OD:- Shame?! Well that's a start! - something to work on later! tic tic! I'm disappointed Richard! You see why you're confused don't you? I have some friends who make some super TV programmes! I'm sure you'd like to pay them -

REJ:- Would I? Is that what I was saying?

OD:- I'm sure it was! tee-hee! you see y Parch is one for telling scary stories to children isn't he? Evil is abroad indeed! tee-hee! I did a pun! A tripler! Evil is abroad! Richard listen! Would you like to kill someone you haven't met before?!

REJ:-What?! Have you gone loop-a-loop loopy?

OD:-Would you like to come with me hundreds of miles to kill someone you haven't met before?

REJ:- What? You're nuts! Sioned! Owain's here and he's gone nuts! Call the cops! CALL THE COPS!!!

OD:- Oh bollocks. I forgot. I must get you a present for Chri.....mnnnnnsk! xmas! tic tic! Have you got an aerial? What a funny dream you're having! I must be off now. What a funny dream!

Sioned:- Hello Owain! What's he shouting about now? Fallen asleep on the sofa again isn't it?

OD:- Why Hello Mrs Jones! I've been meaning to talk to you! Mortgage rates mean buy-to-let is a very prudent investment at the moment. And with little Ethan going to College in 12 years time....


  1. Confusing.

    I just can't understand why you would have Talisker in the house, when there are much better whiskeys out there.

    Must be a Welsh thing.

  2. It has a few fans...

    But, what would the English know?